I Don't Know What I'm Doing

Do you ever have those moments when You think things may start to look up but instead they just decide to nosedive downwards? Yea, Same.

I just sometimes really don't know what I'm doing.... I mean, I have goals. I have dreams. I have aspirations. I wanna be a musician. I want to have fans that look at me and say "You've inspired me to keep on living. You've made me want to be a better person. You've made me want to be clean." I want to be that person that the kids I'm going to school with look at in 5, 10, 15 years and say "well shit. We were wrong about her."

Music is where I feel complete. Don't say that music isn't a place, because to me it is. When I'm engulfed in listening to, playing or writing music, nothing bad can happen to me. I become Demolition Grenade, aspiring musician. I become the girl who will front a band. The girl who will play Warped tour. The girl who will be on the cover of Alt Press. The girl who will have Adam Elmakias take tour pictures of. When I'm not doing something music related, I revert back to the Demolition Grenade everyone knows. The clinically depressed, quite bitchy, weirdo who doesn't have many friends and talks about Netflix and bands too much. I revert back to the one who is excluded from most things, the one who dreads chamber season because she knows she will be the outsider within the Chamber Choir "family". I wish that the Demolition Grenade I am when I am surrounding myself with lyrics, notes, tempos and cadences is the one I am always.

It's weird though. To think that there's a chance I can become the person I want to, I just don't know how. I'm thinking of making a YouTube channel to post covers, but I don't exactly know how to edit videos or if even people would watch them.

I hate this, the constant second guessing. I can fall asleep one night thinking "I will do this. I'll reach my goals and be really happy for the first time in a while" but I wake up the next morning and say "well shit, I don't know hwy you're trying to do this. You're not anything enough. You're not pretty/talented/nice enough. Dad is right, you'll be stuck working at a McDonald's for your entire life."

I don't really get dreams, though. How can society expect you to believe in yourself when others don't? How can therapists say "you need to believe in yourself more, if you can dream it, you can achieve it" when you spend days with your peers telling you that your dream is pointless and a stupid childhood dream? How can you lsiten to your idols tell you to be yourself and do what makes you happy when at school you get put down constantly for being yourself and doing what makes you happy?

Humanity is sick, really. Just mentally screwed up. I know people who s tell me that all the hate and crap I'm getting now is just preparing me for when I do live my dream and if I can handle it now, I'll be able to handle it then. Well, here's a secret. I CAN'T HANDLE IT NOW. I'm not mentally or emotionally strong enough. I jsut don't even know what I'm doing.

-DG