I never quite thought that I would come back to this site, I used to come here when I was a teenager and it meant a lot to me but well life moves on, don't we all? However right now this is the only space that I find appropriate to express my current situation, no one that I know will read this and hence I can speak about it without feeling guilty or awkward about it.
I has been months since I've been feeling constantly stressed and increasingly sad, in many ways I'm certain that I'm loosing important aspects of my personality. I have always had darker and brighter moods but lately, despite everything being perfectly okay, I well, I do not enjoy life that much. That is not to say that I don't enjoy anything, that I hate my life or that I feel lonely. I go to a good college and the subjects are interesting and challenging. I have a nice family and everything is more or less okay with that. I also have a boyfriend whom I love deeply.
Yet this thing, comes back. We all know the feelings: general apathy, self-depreciation, stress, swaying moods, a sense of detachment, frustration, lack of inspiration, loss of sexual appetite (not completely but on some measure), insomnia, and well a general dulling of sensations.
I have not addressed these feelings because I fucking hate it, there I said I HATE depression. It makes me extremely uncomfortable to talk about it and I just can cop with being questioned about it. Am I sure it is depression? Maybe it’s just hormones. But how can you feel depressed if you have everything? I think you are exaggerating. Things will pick up…
Well no, I’m not sure that I’m depressed but I have all these very real symptoms and I don’t quite think that I need to start cutting or something like that to be bordering on depression or you know actually be there.
Then there is the victim complex, I don’t want to be treated like there is something wrong with me. I can recognise the symptoms at a more or less early stage at this point and I can get myself out of it with some help from friends (I really don’t feel like going to therapy right now), but that doesn’t make it less real and it doesn’t mean either that I’m gonna go on a suicidal mood.
Right now I haven’t really talked this through with anyone because well the only person that I trust enough to talk about this is my boyfriend but I had this notion that I didn’t wanted to be a burden on him. We had some issues and let’s just say we are not on the steadiest waters right now, or at least we weren’t when I started to realize about this “thing”. And now, well his grandfather just died and he is, as you’d expect, really sad and well now is really not the best of times for depressed girlfriend to make her appearance. My best friend is many miles away, moved recently to a different country and I just don’t have that many really close friends. So I’m going to go at this alone and find an adequate way to pull myself out of it. No cutting this time, I did that long ago and it was really not what I wanted.
So this is probably the first of a series on my personal diary/blog in a website that I had completely forgotten about to record my journey (which I really hope will be short) to get myself out of this “thing”.
The first thing is that I have to start writting again. So baby steps.
Lucy
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