So, the Things That Are Bothering Me.

I've figured that a way to pull me out of this "thing" (as we are going to call my minor depression) is to start talking about the many things that actually bother me and that I've been keeping quiet about because well people tend to feel not so comfortable around you when you are breaking down or being a "bitch".

First and foremost I have to be honest about my relationship, it is really hard on me because I am constantly afraid that he will ditch me. He had a weird "episode" as I call it in which he was very stressed about things in his life and he reacted by trying to push me away at a time when we were so close. It hurted me then but furthermore it has damaged my self confidence, I am constantly scared that he will ditch me despite how happy we are and how good we are together. Whenever we don't talk for a long time or don't see each other I begin to stress about this and it makes me act in ways that are not neccesarily sincere. For example I try to be cheerier and more relaxed than I actually feel, or I don't tell him the things that bother me. I know that this is wrong but I've somewhat convinced myself that it is only temporary, just til we get back on track. We are a sweet couple, we've been together for a year now and I'm serious and not delussional when I say that I love him and that we work out. Yet all these little things, well they are bringing me down.
Also he talks about leaving to study in germany and we used to talk about going together but now I haven't brought it up because I don't want to pressure him and well again this is making me stressed and worried.

I had planned to talk about these things and my "thing" (aka minor mild small tinsy bit of depression) but then I had holidays away and his grandfather died and here I am talking instead to you people, whoever you are.

I am also feeling very unattractive lately and this reflects on my self confidence. I feel ugly, I've gained some weight and my hair is at just a terrible lenght. I stopped doing kung fu all of a sudden and I can tell that my resistance has dropped and that I'm generally weak. The sense of security that I used to feel when walking on the street is pretty much gone. I have been trying to get on a diet or do excersise but my weight just won't go down. So yeah I'm beggining to not eat again.

I am sort of an activist on free speach (I won't go into that cos we all know that internet ain't that much of a safe place right?) and lately it just seems that all the things I do on the group I work with are useless. I feel pressured to design more and more witty and inteligent posters and banners and I have no witt or drive to do so. I also feel that my ideas are not being heard and that this group which is also my closest group of friends has no patience for me and sees me under a rather disfavouring light.

I miss my best friend terribly and I hate the fact that I haven't been able to properly keep up with her life. I haven't been able to visit her and well she is having a rough time to, so I just really wish that we could figure things out together.

I think I've finally decided what I want to do with my art, but I feel so small and untalented. I wish I could dedicate more time and energy into it, but well I don't really have enough inspiration and I am constantly reminding myself that I can't really translate my ideas into art.

So that's pretty much all of the things that are bothering me and that I can't quite talk about with other peopple.
Cheers