Funeral.

Here lately I've been feeling like complete shit. Like I try to be happy and up beat about things, but it's not working. I'm mostly angry at myself. I'm disappointed with myself because I feel worthless. I feel defeated cause everyone else is always better at all the things that make me, me. I just feel like I struggle so much to be good at something and someone else just comes along and is 100% better without effort.

I've been feeling like something is wrong with me. My personality is just one that doesn't get along with people. I feel horribly flawed. Like....I wasn't meant to fit in anywhere. Always the odd person out. It's like no matter what friendships I've had or people I've hung out with, I just don't belong.

I get along with my husband. He's like the only person who my personality ALWAYS meshes with. But outside of him, everything just goes to shit. I'm really hard to explain. When I'm at work, I can talk to people and make them laugh. Like if I'm in a setting with people I see everyday for a short time, I do just fine. Then, if I have more in depth conversations, things just go wrong. Like I'm always respectful of people's opinions and interests when they talk to me because we're all different and I know we will not like the same things.

I dunno. Maybe I am too opinionated. I don't mean to be but I'm just really honest unless I think it will offend someone, then I'm more tight lipped. My biggest issue right now is, when I'm alone, I like who I am and my abilities. But when I'm in settings with other people, I always end up letting them intimidate me into thinking I'm not that cool or good at things or that my opinions aren't valuable.

I know I shouldn't let people influence me. It's just hard cause I have really low self esteem. I just sometimes want to hermit away and not speak to anyone. There's no arguments that way. I don't end up feeling like a completely worthless person. Sigh.

Sometimes I wonder what the point of my writing is. People say they like it but I feel like it's just shit sometimes. I struggle a lot these days to write. After my big break down from a trauma I suffered back in 2012, I'm surprised I started writing again at all. I feel like.....I'll never improve even though I've been trying. I've considered just not writing anymore or posting stuff here. Just murdering my writing for good and giving it a funeral.

Maybe my writing isn't the best or written perfectly, but I've always enjoyed writing anyway. I just feel conflicted because no matter how hard I try, I still struggle to write the correct way I'm supposed to in society's eyes. I just give up for now. I may or may not continue to write here. I just don't see the point right now.

This isn't a blog meant to gain pity or to have people stroke my ego. I'm just literally a mess right now. It sucks when the one thing you're passionate about most in life is something you're second guessing because you will NEVER fucking feel good enough. I feel like a part of me has died.