Breakdown of the Day

So my boyfriend has told me that he needs a little bit of space right now. Which doesn't freak me out as much as the words "need time", but still does freak me out a bit. I am having this nerveous meltdown that he obviously doesn't know about by the way... His grandfather just died and I am well aware that he need space and time to mourn and I know that he is just like that to grief on his own, while I'm more of an extremely needy person and I need to be close to certain people to mourn properly.

So I'm missing him and as usual going nuts with the fact that I'm not talking to him much... I haven't even heard his voice in more than a week and I just miss him. I understand his reasons, but I fear that he will just retreat and convince himself that he doesn't need me and he'll pair that to "he doesn't want me" and you know the drill... How charming my desperate thought are...

Yesterday I was thinking about cutting, not about doing it, no. I was thinking about how it was and why I once did it, back when I was a teenager. When I was younger it worked as a manifestation of my feelings, as a proof that there was something wrong with me and that I wasn't just a silly girl. These days I don't really want anybody to realize what is going on with me so it would never work like that. I also don't think that I'm quite as bad as I used to be, and in my teenage years I was very confused about well, everything, so it was different. It was just interesting to think about that.

I rather write the black dog away...
August 2nd, 2014 at 12:51am