I'm Scaring Myself.

Everything lately has been absolutely terrifying. Especially when I found out that the guy that I like likes me back. And I don't know what to do. I feel like I am going to mess everything up somehow. And I really, really don't want to do that. I really, really, really like him. And I know that he has the same fears. And that just makes everything a billion times worse. Because we're both so scared of getting hurt that we don't want to take chances. And that's what relationships are. They are full of taking chances. You have to take a billion chances just to be with somebody.

Everything has been way too much to handle lately. I am glad that I had the past couple days off of work to get stuff figured out. I got signed up for college. And now I have my driver's license. Life is really looking up. So, I don't know why my depression has been getting worse and worse. I cry myself to sleep, even though I tell myself it will be better in the morning. And it does seem to be. But it never stays that way. Something always brings me down. And it's usually me and my negative thoughts. I can't think of anything nice about myself, and it's killing me. It's destroying me and my health. Because my brain is on repeat about me never being good enough. That everybody is smarter, that I can't write anymore because I am useless and stupid, that I have such an ugly body, I am an abomination, that everybody leaves in the end. I don't even know where I stand.

And I'm just not ready to take a risk. Even though I am, I really am. He's really beginning to mean everything to me. He is all that I can think about. I feel like I am in middle school again. All I know is that I wouldn't want to have it any other way. I just want to cuddle with him and watch cartoons and share books. And be there for him and make him happy. Because I know that he deserves to be happy, even if I don't.
August 2nd, 2014 at 05:58am