((This is what I wrote after I had sleep...watch as it changes...because this wasn't all written at the same time...it goes from Tuesday Night, though Wednesday, and Thursday. I didn't note the changing of the days because I never noticed the days passing...You'll understand maybe when I post what I've written for Friday, either after I get some sleep or when it becomes Saturday...))
The date is Tuesday, August 5, 2014, at 10:38pm.
It’s me again. I know the last thing I wrote ended at a weird point, but sleep had finally found me and held me tightly in its arms. I don’t remember my dream, but I know I had one. I just want to let you know, that I’m only a bit tired. Like I could go to sleep, but at this point I don’t want to. I probably should but even as I write this I’m also online talking with someone. As you can tell, my mind is a bit sounder.
Honestly, even though I read the other, well I actually don’t know what to call it, but even though I read it, I can’t remember writing it. I mean I opened Microsoft Word, and saw this, and was like ‘Where did this come from? Did I leave myself a message?’ so I opened it and was a bit frightened as I read. I don’t understand it, and I can’t remember typing it out. Strange. I find myself at a lost at what to say. I’d like to explain myself, but I can’t and even if I attempted, I feel it would all be for nothing.
I find myself once more stretched across the couch, debating with myself if I want a cigarette. Yes, I know all the effects smoking can/will cause, and I don’t care, if I did I wouldn’t smoke, so please save your health risk speech for someone who is actually naive about it. Thank you.
I ended up going to check if my friend had replied, and I got distracted with Tumblr. So even though there was a thought that was going to come after my ‘thank you’ from before I’ve forgotten it. There isn’t really anything that would change your perception of the world in this. Why are you still reading? Not that I want you to stop, I mean I’m still typing this out but I’m wondering why you would read this when there’s nothing to gain? There’s no profound truth, there’s no learning the secrets of the universe or even anything remotely interesting. All there is a person’s current thoughts while they’ve had no sleep, the thing before this, or they have had sleep but are beginning to tire.
Yesterday before I fell asleep, I was listening to Human by Christina Perri, I had it on repeat. The song really hit me, emotionally obviously, would be fucked up if words actually hit someone, but I get distracted back to what I was typing. A lot of the lyrics just, I’m not really sure, they make me think and hurt, and just question everything that’s ever happened to me, that makes me be able to relate to those lyrics.
‘I can fake a smile, I can force a laugh’
I can do that. I know a lot of people that can do those two things. I don’t know why they can do it so well, but I know why I can. I do it so people don’t ask me why I look upset. I do it so they think there’s nothing wrong with me, even when there is. They may actually care about me and want to know when I’m upset and why. But…I don’t think I deserve their concern. I don’t think of myself as important. How can I, with everything that’s wrong with me, be important to someone else? Oh, I know they think I’m important. I know they care, and that they don’t mind my flaws. But with my fake smiles, and forced laughs, I fool them into thinking nothing is wrong. I manipulate them into thinking, I’m fine.
‘Your words in my head, knifes in my heart’
Every time I hear that, I think of all the hurtful things that I was called while I was in school. Part of me thinks ‘It is not true, don’t believe those words.’ And the other part whispers ‘But what if they are true? So many have said the same, they can’t all be wrong? Right?’
I should probably go to therapy for something like this but why bother? I know they aren’t right, I’m not fat, the scale that reads 109.8 says that, in fact according to the things I looked up on line, I’m actually underweight for my age and height. And before anyone gets the wrong impression I don’t’ have an eating disorder. But sometimes I look in the mirror, and go, ‘Look at how chubby my cheeks are.’ Or I look at my thighs and think ‘God, must they giggle so much?’ or I look at my stomach and think ‘Do you have to stick out so far?’ But I know I’m not fat, but sometimes I just don’t believe that. I’m not stupid, my grades while in school tell me so. But again sometimes I don’t believe it.
‘You build me up, and I fall apart’
I don’t know if it was meant to be taken the way I took this but. I hear this and I think of my fiancé, another proof that they were wrong, and I think of all the times he’s called me Beautiful, smart, and everything that’s the opposite of what I’m used to hearing by those that aren’t my family, and I smile at him, or blush, but most of the time I call him a liar, or delusional. He tells me that ‘One day I’ll have you seeing everything that I see when I look at you, in the mirror, until then just trust me.’ I say ‘Okay’ but when I’m alone, I fall apart again.
My mind is my enemy when I’m alone. Constantly telling me things I don’t want to hear. Hearing the things others have said to me. I don’t’ know if it was because they genuinely didn’t like me, or if they were just being hateful for the chance to fit in, but it has stayed with me since they said what they have. I eats’ me up when I’m alone, and I have time to think. I don’t know why I go back to these thoughts again and again. I’m an adult for crying out loud. The words of someone from my pre-adolescent/teen years shouldn’t affect me anymore. What was said to me when I was 14 shouldn’t bother me now that I’m 22, but it does. It bothers me so much sometimes it’s all I can think about.
It’s like what did they see? Is it written on me somewhere, and only they can see it? Have I ever done anything to them to make them hate me so much? If I had changed the way I dressed would they have been nicer to me? What did I do wrong? Why did they say such awful things? What did I do? What did I do? Why didn’t they like me? So many more thoughts like that just make me fall apart, no matter how many times he builds me up.
‘Cause I’m only human’
And I am only human, and it hurts, while at times it’s the best thing in the world. I make mistakes, and I have flaws. I’m very well aware of each of them. I bleed when hurt physically, I cry when hurt emotionally/mentally, I smile when I find things funny. I like things, and I dislike things. I love some, but dislike others. I’m human, but I can act the machine if I need to, so that no one sees it hurts.
‘I can take so much, till I’ve had enough’
God, lyrics couldn’t possible get any truer. I can take a lot of crap. Really I can, but then there’s just something that tips the scale and I’ve had enough. There’s different way I show others that I’ve had enough shit from them, but I digress. Again, this song just hit me in a way I can try to describe till im blue in the face, but unless it hit you the same way you wouldn’t understand.
((Then...well...maybe you'll find out my next post...))
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