Transgender Update : Therapist + Haircut + Angst

Guten tag!

So, I'm updating. Awkwardly.

I've had a lot strange excitement lately, but I'm not very good at conveying that through text (I hate exclamation marks) so I'm just going to give you the details, if that doesn't bother you too much.

So, we found a therapist.
This happened kind of unexpectedly; you see, my mother had a woman in mind, simply on the basis that she knew this women was a therapist, and she likes her and believes that she would be open minded and supportive.
Turns out this woman actually specializes in LGBT issues.
My mom ran into her the other night whilst grocery shopping, and explained my situation, and all that is left to do is set up an appointment. She will even see me for approximately 55% off her usual fee. Just... woah.

I haven't made an appointment yet, I will very soon.
She did dispense a few bits of advice, though. One is that what is most important to me right now is intergration, so she suggested I go to a PFLAG meeting to socialize with other LGBT members.
That's... fine. I'm definitely not a social person, I'm actually really socially anxious, and I fear I don't present myself well (that could be my own insecurities, people tend to think I'm charming... although now as I type that I'm wondering exactly what they mean by that)
Also, relating to others on the basis of being LGBT is foreign to me, so it's weird to see myself in that light.
Even though being trans is an all encompassing element in my life, I do still see it as essensially that, an element; so I'm a little conscious of identification via single aspect demographics.
That being said, a little forced socialization might be good for me, and maybe I will meet someone like-minded and in a similar situation, and that could be a good thing?
We'll see.
The other piece of advice which she strongly believes is that a person should live a year passing pre-T.
This used to be law, but has since been dropped. I see the logic behind it, though that doesn't stop me from rejecting the concept a bit.
Logically (and logic is important to me) it makes sense to take a set amount of time to figure yourself out, to transition out of the act, to "come into your own" before undergoing major (often times permanent) changes.
Also, I think that it gives those around you time to really get up to speed with what you're doing, and maybe lets them go through their process a little bit.
I consent to six months passing pre-T, and after that I want to make an evaluation and decide if the time is right, or if I should complete the next six months.
To me that sounds reasonable.

I also learned something.
After coming out, dysphoria worsens.
This too is logical, since in your mind there is this sort of map of your appearance, you have a sense of your angles, a sense of the space you occupy, and of the face you peer out from.
But that map doesn't comply with what you see in the mirror, and when you come out suddenly who you are vs what you are doesn't not just comply in your own mind, but to the people you are out to as well.
I have become even more self conscious, and it has made me angry and exhausted.
I wanted to rip my hair out, I wanted to burn my wardrobe, I just wanted out.
I feel a lot better now because I got my hair cut.
My mom did it for me, actually, and doing that made a world of difference.
I started to worry if I was capable of passing, and after cutting my hair I pass even to my own mother.
She was so confident in my "passibility" that we went out to dinner, to a chinese restaurant I actually used to frequent, and the owner didn't recognize me at all.

I do look a fair bit younger than twenty, probably about seventeen as far as facial structure, and since I obviously have no hair growth perhaps I could be mistaken for even younger.
That is a major reason why I want to start on testosterone sooner rather than later, because I hated being seen as a teenager. This okay simply because I'm a teenage guy, so I'm happy to be that for a while.

But yeah, I posted a couple photos on my profile, I'd like to know what you guys think.

I'm going to my first PFLAG meeting on the 13th, so I will probably update then.
August 8th, 2014 at 11:04pm