I Don't Think True Love Exists... At Least, Not for Me.

When I think of true love, I think of something like The Notebook. You know, the kind of love where the partners are like, completely devoted to each other?

I don't believe that kind of love will ever happen to me.

After my boyfriend of 2 years dumped me, I joined OkCupid just to get attention from multiple men. That worked for a while, fucked a few guys, accidentally fell for one of them, etc. That bullshit. Anyway, about a month after I joined OKC, I met a guy on there. I don't remember who contacted who first, but we sent messages to each other for a few days, then exchanged numbers. After that, we kind of texted on and off. There wasn't any flirting involved, so I just assumed he wasn't interested. I'll be honest, I wasn't interested, anyway. He seemed boring because his texts were very short and vague.

Well, one day he calls me and it was all over for me. He's now my boyfriend and I am completely head over heels for him. From that one phone call, I was done.

You guys don't understand... He is perfect. He makes me laugh, he calls me beautiful and gorgeous, and he just really seems to care about me.

The thing that's bumming me out is that I will probably fuck this relationship up, too, and then he'll leave me.

I'm pretty sure I'm one of those rare cases where I'm unlovable. No one has wanted to spend their life with me. The longest anyone has ever spent with me is a little over 2 years.

I'm not the girl that guys want. I feel so inadequate next to my boyfriend. He deserves so much better than me, and I know he'll find her soon. It's killing me because I think I might want to spend my life with him. I'd like to, at least.

I don't know if I'm in love with him. I'm probably not. But I know I'm getting there already. He makes me so happy.

I just don't think I'm marriage material. Let me rephrase that... I want to get married so desperately. I want to have children. But I don't think anyone would ever want that with me. And, honestly, the thought of spending my life with someone terrifies me because no one's ever wanted to spend theirs with me. Am I making sense?

I'm pretty much talking out of my ass at this point.

Back to my boyfriend... He's in Africa on a mission trip. He also lives two, soon to be three, hours away. So we have a long distance thing going on.

I'm scared of the day he tells me he's found someone else or his feelings for me have disappeared. I know it's going to happen, so I'm just counting down the days until it finally does. I don't want it to, though.

I don't know. I just feel very overwhelmed with feelings of fear and inadequacy almost all the time.