Perspective on Life

I'm not sure what to title this. This is just a little word vomit/rambling on my thoughts this morning.

I woke up to the news that Robin Williams died. He was 63 years old, a father, husband, and not long out of rehab. He was one of those actors from my childhood that I loved in everything he did. As a child, he was a funny man, the genie, Peter Pan, Mrs Doubtfire. He made me laugh, and happy, and giddy, and he was one actor I could count on to make my day that little bit better.

Then, I don't remember what age I was but I was quite young, I watched Dead Poets Society, and it changed the way I viewed him. He wasn't just a funny guy; he was an inspiration, an actor that could make people think. His roles in One Hour Photo, Insomnia, and of course, Good Will Hunting, proved what a versatile actor he was.

He wasn't immune to depression, though, something that many of us suffer from. He had his battles with alcohol and drugs, maybe to help get him through his struggles. To lose such a funny, genuine, amazing person to suicide, is just tragic, and it brings me back to my cousin's death a year ago to suicide. Watching the news this morning, I saw a clip of him saying an often heard quote 'Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem'. Yet, in his darkest hour, death seemed like a better solution than living through the pain he was going though. His children, his beautiful wife, and the respect and admiration of his peers and the world, wasn't enough to pull him though.

I suffer from depression. I've had moments when I wondered if my life was really worth living, if I would be missed, if I was contributing to the world. If I mattered. Sometimes, I fantasised about it, and I still do sometimes when I feel like there is nothing good to live for. Then, when my brother tried and thankfully failed in his attempt last year, it made me realise that there is always someone left behind who will miss you. There are people who see something in you that you don't. There is always someone out there who is willing to listen, and help you. There is always a solution. That doesn't mean it will be easy. It doesn't mean things will magically be wonderful. But they can be better. That's what I always try to remember. It's hard to remember sometimes, though. I went to sleep last night, feeling lower than I felt in a long time. I was like a blanket had been thrown over me, dispelling all light and encompassing me in the darkness of my own thoughts and feelings of worthlessness and uselessness and I wondered why I was still here. It happens more often that I like to admit, and I rarely talk about it about because, well, there's still that fear that people won't take you seriously. I felt that way this morning, still. Then, I read the news, and it put things into perspective. I don't feel 100% today, but, I know there are things worth staying here for, even if you lose sight of it sometimes. Sometimes, it takes perspective to remind you that you are a light in somebodies, life; don't let it expire before it's time.
August 12th, 2014 at 02:27pm