cigarettes and leaving home

So i've started doing some smoking this summer a bit, not regularly, just every so often except that last week which i've had a free chance for one in the backyard like everyday, which is know very well is bad for me, don't get me wrong, i've been through all the same classes telling you that you are going to die and get addicted and such if you start with cigarettes. Thing is i don't really care right now.

I had a boyfriend this summer who smoked. I didn't start with him. But he's younger than me and managed to do it, though he would promise he was going to stop as soon as he went back to Tennesse (i'm in Nor Cal and he was out taking massage classes for the summer. long story short, he's moving out next year and if we are both single, we really do love each other and would like to date again, but that's 9 months off....I'm f***ing stressed out really)...and next week i am moving out of my house and into a dorm for my first year of college.

Truth is my brother was the first to hand me a cigarette and he's 16. Sigh, i'm 18, let him do it and then ran around and did it with him, so i bought myself a pack awhile later. i'm a bad roll model.

But then again, i haven't been doing any drinking at home this summer like last (i've never been to parties or anything like that or anything with friends, it's always on my own alone at home). I just don't like drinking much anymore.

I just really should not start smoking for real. Man, i think i'm just hella stressed out right now even though i don't say it to anyone. It's just gone back everyone saying "how are you?" and me going, fine great, yeah sure i'm excited about college! look at the excitment just dripping off my face...

it's just that i'm lonely, i really am, and it scares me that once i move out of the house (although i can't wait to go and be on my own) this is never going to be the same way again