Alone

I can't remember the last time I came here. I can't remember who I was talking to or what I was doing with my life but the last time I visited here, in a serious manner, is a long ways away.

Now I'm back, and, I think I'm more depressed than I've ever been.

I won't disclose the details, but, recently I... Realized that I ruined the best thing I've ever had going for me. My future is up in the air again, and I may never, ever regain the most important people to me. People that mean so incredibly much, that know everything about me and have seen me at my worst. People that I hurt.

Last time I was here I was just some angsty teen, now I'm a mentally ill trans kid. I've got Histrionic Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder. I've got major depressive disorder, dysthymic disorder, and ADHD. I've got so much wrong with me. My BPD causes psychotic symptoms. NPD drives people away from me. HPD leaves me feeling empty and alone.

I have no breaks, no rests. I can't get away from myself or my thoughts. I need to submerge myself into something so fully and unyielding. I need to find something, a new passion, to distract me. I don't want to feel my emotions anymore. They wrecked me, they wrecked the people around me, they wrecked my future and they tore down my walls.

I've got nothing left and I just feel empty. I'm empty and broken and there's no one who will ever truly understand why I do the things I do. The most awful thing anyone can ever experience, is not knowing you're being manipulative, and hurting those that you love. Nothing hurts worse. Nothing hurts worse than knowing what you've done, and not being able to do a thing about it.

I thought I used to know pain, as a 13 year old, but. Now I've grown up and now I know what pain is. I know what it looks like. My monsters have faces and they all look just like me.