Chase Your Dreams

I am scared. I've always been scared and, to be honest with you, I think I will always remain scared of my own dreams. Why? Because I am afraid of failing. Now, people can repeatedly tell me that this is part of the process, that you will get knocked down multiple times and that it is up to you to get up and continue fighting, but I've thrown the towel in the ring a long time ago. I've walked that path – the one where I followed my dream and fought for what I wanted wholeheartedly – but I have lost my way. I was bullied for being different, for seeing things differently and having a different approach to life. I was constantly being told that I wasn't good enough, not strong enough, not enough of a fighter. I was considered weak minded, some people even called me stupid and slow. People had a tendency to replace me; friends with different friends, boyfriends with different girls and my family often replaced me with one of my closest friends. It is safe to say that in the end, I do not feel good enough to chase my dreams. People can call out that you should, that you should be fearless in your pursuit of happiness, that you shouldn't allow people getting you down, but things are always easier said than done.

Now, I'm not writing this because I want you to pity me, nor am I writing this because I want you to tell me to man up. The reason I am putting this down, right here on my blog, right here on Mibba for people to read when they want too, is because I need to let it out. I need to share even if people don't relate, even if people don't care, even if people simply read three lines and click on. I needed to put this down because my fear of failing has turned into a fear of living, yet also a fear of letting my life fly by without any momentum.

Let me tell you a few little details about myself before I dive in any deeper – if you guys are still interested that is, if you guys are even still here that is; my name is Leonie, although a lot of people on the internet know me as Bekah. I am 24 years old, turning 25 at the end of November. This makes me a Scorpio, in case any of you are into that stuff and a water element. I currently still live at home with my parents and my 21 year old brother and my 12 year old dog. I've finished high school, but started two more educational programs after that which I both didn't finish. One because I lost interest in the subject and the other due to mental health issues, which now means I'm sitting on student loans that scare the living daylights out of me. I've had multiple jobs, which I either ended up quitting because of my mental health issues, or I ended up getting fired from because of my mental health issues (not to mention that I also suffer from severe migraine attacks).

Now that I filled you in on a little secret – yes, I suffer from borderline personality disorder, which isn't something I like to brag about, which also isn't something I like to wear around like a flashy statement necklace. What I have accepted over these last few years is that it is a part of who I am, but it isn't who I am... if you get what I mean? I'm not a borderliner, I am a girl who suffers from a disorder called borderline. Did that clarify things? Anyhow, now you might question why I am telling you this, and the answer is fairly simple; I want to document my journey. I've been struggling with my disorder for as long as I can remember, although people around me never considered myself having a disorder during my teenage years because I masked it by being one of those myspace emo's that everyone now makes fun of (including myself). Over the last few years I have been in and out of psychology offices, talking to people that either took me seriously or didn't. I've been send from one person to another without ever getting confirmation about what was going on. I've been lead on, I've waiting for months to hear back from certain people and I'm done. I've contacted an institution that is willing to help and they have been a great help over the last three weeks. At the end of the month they are going to sit down with me and discuss treatment – which will hopefully start at the beginning of September.

Wow, that was a lot to take in, wasn't it? I know, I am sorry if you read through all of that I truly am. One of the reasons I am doing this is because I want to see myself grow, change and develop into the person I want to be on the inside, the person that is surpressed by all my negative thought, my depression and my disorder. I know I will never recover from being a borderline diagnosed girl, but I do know I can learn to live with it and not let it affect me like it does nowadays. I hope that maybe I can inspire people, who are struggling themselves, to find the help that they need. That saying 'I need help' isn't showing weakness, it is showing strength. Sometimes standing on your own two feet isn't enough and you need to allow people to carry you, to teach you how to walk again, to be strong again. That is why I am doing this too, to help. Haha, as if anyone is really reading this... but that might just be my own insecurities.

I want to read back on this one day and think 'I'm glad I'm not that girl any more', instead of looking at pictures of seven year old me and crying because that girl, that sweet little girl doesn't know what pain lies ahead, what terror she's going to suffer and the amount of people she's going to loose. Even now I am in tears thinking about that little girl that looked at the world and didn't see demons around every corner, that laughed when a new kid came onto the playground instead of curled up in a ball and cried because she doesn't trust them. I want to go back to that form of 'ignorant' bliss, because knowing what I know now, fearing what I fear now? It is destroying my life. Even now, I write this and I'm thinking it's not good enough, that it will never be good enough. If this makes the web I will be very pleased with myself, if it lasts? That is the question. God, I should just finish this.

One day I want to read this and comment that I did it. That I chased my dream. That I became what I wanted to become. A girl that wrote a book, a girl that inspired people to not walk down her path, to not make the same mistakes as she did, to seek help when they needed too. One day I want to look at that picture of seven year old me and not feel sorry for her, but feel proud that she's come this far. One day, I promise you that, one day.