Today Is Not a Good Day (Mild Depression. Yay.)

Today is not a good day. Only because I’m trying my best to keep my patience in line on anything. The only thing that’s keeping me sane is being locked in my room away from things and people. Sure, I can smile and look happy, but I haven’t been fully happy for a while. But I’m not supposed to be say that. I’m too old for a little depression here and there. I’m only seen as the goofy chick that is “too nice” and “always is smiling” and - this is my favorite - “one of the guys”. Sometimes I just smile merely out of habit. I’m not emotionally involved with it, I just do it because it’s second nature. But today… Today I want to be left alone. Not exactly with my thoughts, just alone. But I can’t. I can't be left alone because I have responsibilities that can’t be ignored. I wonder if maybe if I was too dumb or too much of a bitch to not care about anything or anyone else besides myself, life would be easier. Or not, I don’t know. I don’t want to know, but I’m just thinking about loud here. I wish I could calm down. I wish I could just drive and drive and drive and drive and enjoy a sunset by myself. But I can’t. I wish I could go to the beach and just sit on the sand (dirty or not) and not have any worries. But I can’t do that either. I just want some peace and quiet every once in a while. I want to take off without having worries instilled in my brain. I want to be able to just get in my car and drive to just hang out with my siblings that I don’t get to see much. I wish I could just meet up with someone and hang out with them in the middle of the day and grab a bite to eat. Just for the hell of it.

I wish I could do a lot of things… but again, I can’t. I’m tired of telling my friends ‘no’ and that ‘I wish I could, but I can’t’. It’s gotten to the point where I’m not asked to do anything with anyone because I always say no. And if I do go and do something, it’s because it was planned months beforehand and that’s it. I don’t ask much, and I don’t particularly care for attention. I’ve been the wallflower most wouldn’t remember, but that’s ok. I honestly don’t mind. I just don’t know if it’s ok for me to say that I’m not ok today. That when I look over at my parents medicine cabinet and look at the many different prescription pills, I want to gather one from each and see if maybe I’ll finally be able to get the peace and quiet I've been wanting. But… I scoff and turn the other way. I don’t have the balls to go down that road, and I always re-think of the situation. I try to find the silver lining in situations and in days, such as today, to just wallow in it, let it take me down for just one day, then get back up and go back to normal. I don’t know why I decided to voice it today, but maybe because I get tired of keeping it all inside. Of friends and family asking me why I don’t do things or why I don’t get out or why I can’t do this or that or whatever else they ask. And I tell them the same thing - “Because I can’t right now. Hopefully, someday.” And I still have hope. I’m striving for better and to get things situated. But right now, like today, I just can’t handle it. I just want silence.

But… it’s just for today that I’ll allow myself to feel like this. It hurts - not physically, but mentally - but eventually I’ll get over it. I already ate something, which I forgot to do. I did the rest of my homework assignments for the week, including my paper on my ethics, and I’m doing laundry. My folks are being tended to the nurse (who has been nothing but sweet to us), and I have my music blasting in my ears for the meantime. I guess you could say that I’m keeping myself entertained and way from the pesky demons that sometimes like to come out from no where every once in a while. But don’t worry… I’ll be fine tomorrow. It’s just for today. I’m too old and come too far to keep this going for another day. I just allow it to take me down every once in a blue moon. Because I’m human, and some humans have feelings, ya know?

I sometimes wish I had someone to be the shoulder I had been for others. That I could have a complete stranger tell me that it’s going to be ok, and they would be there to just hear me out whenever. I have no idea. Maybe I’m weird in that it’s OK for someone to tell another person that they have others that understand me. But I’m too old, remember? I should be over this stuff. I shouldn’t be going through things like this.

Be good, you funk-tastic humans.
August 20th, 2014 at 09:47pm