Complete Freak Out!

So, I was offered a job today (the one mentioned in yesterday's blog).

I thought I'd be ecstatic upon the offer. Yet, I found myself completely overridden with anxiety. I felt torn, and I couldn't make myself ring the other company to tell them I had accepted another job. I felt this indecision, and when I was asked why, I couldn't give a proper answer. I thought it was down to stupid things, like the fact that I wasn't given a salary figure, and no definite date (it will be by October, with relief inbetween, I think). The entire way home (about three hours), I couldn't find it in myself to be happy about it. I didn't feel like what I realised it was as of 10 minutes ago.

It was anxiety, in the extreme. I get anxious when I do anything new, and this job, well, I don't really know what it'll be like. I haven't suffered that kind of overwhelming panic in a long time. Not to that degree of feeling so not in control of my own mind. I couldn't trust myself to make a decision.

I find it hard to be decisive when given options, because I'm also so afraid of making the wrong choice, no matter the situation. At a wedding last Friday, I was torn between the streak and the chicken, because I was afraid of picking one and then not liking what I got. Normally, I have to have someone tell me what to do, and today was the first time nobody laid everything out and said 'this is why you're gonna do this'.

I know being an adult means you make your own choices. but I still suck at making my own choices and own decisions.

I've decided to take the job, after I calmed down and thought about what was best for me and why I was freaking out. Now, I just gotta ring the manager tomorrow morning and let her know I won't be starting next week.