Lactose Intoleration

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Warning: Maybe a little gross?


I think I'm becoming lactose intolerant. Apparently this is thing that sometimes happens to humans as they get old. I don't like it.

Over the past year or so, I've been finding that my body is not handling diary as well as it once did. What started out as minor discomfort (a little gassy assy) has grown into, what I think is, full-blown lactose intolerance.

Usually, I don't drink milk on it's own. I'm not the glass-of-milk-with-type (the kind of people you see on television having such a wholesome meal). But last week, I was pretty much running on empty and there wasn't anything in the house to eat but Pop-Tarts (because we are responsible adults) and a gallon of whole milk. So I popped the tarts into the toaster, poured a glass of milk, and then that was much lunch.

The milk was fine. I'm sure of it. It wasn't expired. It didn't smell funny. It was at the right temperature. It was a brand we usually buy. The guy has drunk from it since and is still fine. The Pop-Tarts were also fine. It was s'mores flavored, unexpired, and I've had this brand and flavor before without issue. (I eat a lot of chocolate flavored Pop-Tart.) The food itself was perfectly safe. And still, I spent all night in the bathroom. Rotating between ass-on-the-toilet and face in the sink.

I vomited so much it went past digested food and bile, and moved onto a weird gel-like stomach substance that I doubt is supposed to ever leave your stomach. My throat was raw after. (No, it wasn't food poisoning. I didn't throw up because I was sick. I made myself throw up because my stomach was feeling so not-right, I didn't know what else to do.) I... released some less-than solid poop...just twice. So it wasn't even the your-ass-is-going-to-explode grossness that usually comes with food poisoning.

I didn't eat anything out of the ordinary and the by the next day, I was fine. For about three days, I didn't drink any milk or dairy. And I felt fine. I called my sister and asked her about it - she has become lactose intolerant over the past few years and has let go of whole milk for skim. She said the stomach-feeling I described to her was something similar to how she would feel after having full-on dairy. So, I'm pretty sure it's that. :(

So now, I'll be trying skim milk for a while and seeing if that helps. I'm tempted to swallow another glass of whole milk, just to test and see if lactose is really the issue, but I'd rather not go through that ordeal if it is.

Ugh.

I love milk so much and I hate skim so much. But other alternatives can get so pricey.

- Audrey

There are so many dancing milk gifs.
The internet is an amazing place.
September 14th, 2014 at 10:09pm