Adulthood.

So, adulthood.

Everyone at one point in their life says "Oh! I wanna be grown so bad!!"

Usually down the road either an actual adult or some realization comes along that being an adult is shit.

And I know it's shit, but I still wanna become one anyway.

Like, mibba, let me get real with you.

This week I've come to the realization my upbringing has been shit. For the sake of compressed time, I'm talking the relationship I have with my dad.

When my parents divorced, my mom moved out making me live alone with my dad.

Which is cool, I love my dad.

But he's emotionally abusive.

I don't know if this is some way of me coping or whatever, but he's a great man. He works hard and I don't have to worry about anything finically at all. He tries his best and I have a lot more luxuries in this world than many people my age.

But, I'm emotionally compromised and fucked over.

For years I've just been getting back handed compliments and just blatant insults that are turned around into "Well, if I say it first then it won't hurt when someone else does"

And, honestly, it's really fucked up.

Like for years I've been called fat, stupid, and constantly reminded of my fuck ups in the world while every positive thing I do gets swept under the rug.

And it's really confusing when you have one parent that's saying the opposite then go and have the other parent not only tear that parent down but yourself as well.

It's just a big massive mess.

Like, I love my dad dearly but I can't continue to live like this. I can't constantly be attacked for the smallest things and belittled and not respected as a full, developing human being.

I can't emotionally cry out foul just to have someone say back to me "Well...you do act xyz sometimes" or "Are you on your period?"

Like, I just want my voice and my being to be valid and wanted.

I want to be important.

And it's so hard trying to validate and heal yourself when a figure you're basically finically dependent on and more is tearing you down.

I have no where to go. I would rather stay here and be emotionally compromised instead of leave to go somewhere for the remainder of my senior year and struggle financially and mentally with the situation with my mother and old scars that I've covered up too well to open up again.

Just, in all, I would rather fall into the shit hole of adulthood than this.

I'd be okay living by myself, away. When I'm not torn down I'm basically in an apartment by myself. I just don't make the meals and pay the bills.

:/

Ignore me. I feel like shit and this needed to come out.

Also, also...this is probably why I'll have a fucked up love life in the future. Someone compliments me and I'm automatically am stuck on that person. Like I crave approbation. I need someone to validate my importance and the good things I do. I live for it. I eat that shit up. Someone gives me attention and they're mildly attractive and I'm theirs.

And that's really fucked up.

Like I've had a really tough upbringing. I've been through and have seen a lot of shit and have been in some pretty toxic scenarios that still need to really be opened up and examined.

And I'm not trying to say that becoming an adult will magically fix this; quite the opposite.

But it'd be a prime opportunity to get the fuck out, get my shit together, and be a nice ass starting point.

Cause there has to be better for me.

There just has to.