It has been two months since I wrote about being stuck between two boys. Now one of them have stopped writing to me, telling me he doesn't know what he wants. And the other I have realized I don't like in that sense. I have been rather unfair towards the boy who still likes me, or he at least shows our friends that he kind of does.
About three years ago he told a friend of mine that he wouldn't show me he liked me, because he knew I fancied someone else. From the moment I learned about this I found myself looking at him in a different light. Feelings towards him came forth and I pretended to like him more than I actually did. He left for a year, and when he came back I was a little confused. He and I went to dinner with two friends of ours, and he admitted to another friend afterwards that he saw it as a double date. My friends didn't plan on it being so, but I somehow liked the idea of it being a double date. Although I really couldn't see myself actually being in a relationship with him. Since then we have met a few times alone, only two times, but I've been at his house several times with friends. When he came back from his trip a few months ago I was, as I said, a little confused. I didn't understand my own feelings, did I like him more than I would like a friend? Or did I just want someone who had admitted he wanted me in some way. The "double date" happened and I was very flattered. After that he showed a few signs that made me believe that he still fancied me in some way, but I felt like I couldn't keep my interest in him very long.
I met someone who was rather different than I was used to. Even though this boy wasn't quite over his previous relationship I still went along with whatever he had. I felt like someone liked me. In the end I knew that this boy only wanted one thing, and when it came down to doing something about it he was to scared to do so. So it ended. And my thoughts once again fell back on my friend.
We have met, as I said, two times alone and always outside. The second time he bought me coffee and for me that's a big deal. We had a lovely time, talked for hours and it was great. But through out the time we spent together I tried to pick up signs that he liked me more that he wanted to admit. He covered up the fact that he was going to the movies with a girl and her friend, although when I asked him about it he told me. After that things got a little bit uncomfortable. I knew from a friend of ours that the girl he was going with had his fancy a year back, but since he came back from his trip he had shown nothing towards her. But I got a little jealous. She had something that I wanted, but it wasn't a full out relationship with the boy. She was friends with him.
A few days after he and I had hung out I met up a friend of our. We talked about what had happened that day, as girls so often do, and I found myself trying to seem in love with him. A while into the conversation she got a thoughtful look on her face and asked me if she could ask me a personal question. It was then she said those words that I had thought about for a long time. She asked me if I really like the boy, or if I did because I knew he liked me. I had to think about it for a few seconds but then I realized that I did like him, just not romantically. She also asked if the knowledge of him fancying me made me think I liked him back.
I had to admit that the reason I imagined my feelings towards him was because I was in love with the idea of someone loving me. I've never had a relationship, never had a great love that has been responded. And in this case I liked the idea of being in love more than the idea of having a relationship with the boy. The fact that I haven't been able to be friends with a boy without falling a little bit for him plays in as well. Of course I know realize that I've been cruel towards the boy. I've led him on, let him think that maybe I felt the same way. My only hope now it that he feels no such thing for me, and that we in the future can be friends.
How shall I find what I'm looking for if I constantly look in the wrong places?
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