I Cannot Deal.

I wish I was void of emotions, honestly. I wish I wasn't so damn sensitive and able to tackle this crap like a champ. I can't take these memories of us just being erased like it never happened and the awkwardness of pretending I don't feel the same for you, because let's be honest it will not fade.

I can't help that you were the first person I liked and gave me good memories. I can't help that you were my first everything, how am I supposed to forget that? I know it's caddy to be resentful, but sometimes I just want to erase those two years myself, maybe just maybe I wouldn't be here right now writing this damn blog with no one to listen.

Who am I kidding? I MISS YOU. Seriously I just want you to talk to me, hold me, say everything I ever wanted to you to say, but I know it will never ever happen which kills me. I want to move on, I do but I can't shake you from me. Why? Why do I have to latch on to these memories, I don't want them anymore.

I take a couple steps forward, you pull me back no matter what. I don't hate you personally, just your actions. It's not fair what you did to me, it's really not. Not that you'd understand or care how I feel, but I'm pretty sure this isn't how you like to be treated either.

I wonder if there's a day when I can talk about this or write about this without tears burning my eyes. I hate hearing "time heals all wounds" or "you'll move on one day" like can you not. If it was so simple, I don't think I'd be spilling my guts out yet again.

I just can't help but feel I'll always wonder what could've been, or what should've been. I'll always know the feeling of watching you and thinking "why don't you love me?" looking at myself as if I'm just...nevermind. It's silly and I know it, but **** i can't deal with this "heartbreak" or "emotions" I'm done.

I wish I was more rude like you, and be able to say no to you like yesterday when you asked me if I could feed your dogs and I did it, because you had no else to. That kind of crap is what I mean when simple things can be the hardest.

This is just hard for me when I've been forced to keep these feelings in because I have no way to tell you this without ******** things up even more. I just wish I could tell you...but i never will.

Guess I'll just lay here. Excuse me while I lose myself watching the rest of Orange Is The New Black.

Bye.