I Want All Types of Women

The title, I think, is really the bottom line.

Because sometimes I want to be all the things you're taught is 'feminine' and 'womanly' is and sometimes I'm just like "Fuck you, I'll do what I want," and I want to be everything that it's not.

And other times, I want to be both. Like I want people to see that you can live prettily but also kick ass. That you can wear makeup and dresses and have doors open for you and also be a Olivia Benson and put criminals behind bars. You want to show people that you can be attractive and useful in ways that don't depend on your appearance.

And then there's other other times when I'm just like 'Fuck society, why should I want to 'pretty'? Men don't have to worry about being 'attractive' all the time. I don't have to be pretty all the time.' Maybe I just want to be a genius or inventive or great with languages or a really passionate about one thing or obsessed with the sword fighting and not ever think, not even once, about how I look. Like I don't want how I look to be a thought that comes into my mind ever. I want it to be irrelevant.

But then I'm back to, "But why can't I be both?" And then I'm back to, "But why do I have to be both?"

Like I struggle between wanting to say - as a woman - Fuck being aesthetically pleasing to anyone! It's more important to work on my substance and Why the hell shouldn't I be pretty and full of substance? This is not a choice men have to make.

I go back and forth between trying to attain a level of physical attractiveness and really not giving two flying monkey shits and it's probably troubling to those around me.

This is something I think about a lot but it's not always on a personal level. It's like 20% a personal problem and 80% just something I wish I saw more variety of in literature and media. I wish I saw/read about more women who were beautiful and successful in their field, and I wish I saw more/read about more women who didn't give a damn about what they looked like but excelled in the thing they loved. If we had more women in media and literature, in general, this probably wouldn't be so much of an issue. We wouldn't have to worry about having all three times of woman in any one character because there'd be so many women to read about, we could spread all their characteristics around.