I Hate That I Know

I hate that I know...
What someone is going to say before they say it.

I hate that I know...
Who died before someone tells me.

I hate that I know...
How it feels to hate someone and be hated back.

I wish it would all end. THIS world. Is irrelevant now.

It KILLS me.

KILLS ME.

I feel like I'm slowly breaking and all the while trying to hold all my pieces together with one hand while I search for the super glue to keep it all in with the other.

Really, I should be looking for duck tape. It seems more appropriate because it only lasts for a small amount of time before it starts to crack more and the super glue is a more steady solution when I obviously don't think about the easiest possible way to help myself...or others for that matter.

I feel like I'm dying but also trying to stay afloat in 20,000 ft deeps water filled with monsters, sharks, and any other kind of darkness lurking beneath.

This probably doesn't make any sense but that is exactly what I'm trying to say.

I am hating that I know things.

I know things that are hurtful and that don't connect and form coherently in my mind.

IT KILLS ME.

I just want it to stop.

All the swirling thoughts jumbled in my head breaking me and weighing me down with the stress and rubbing it in my face like poisonous nightmares.

I also want to write but I have had some kind of unattachment right now towards it.

I can't focus.

Bad things keep happening.

The list is kind of a never-ending one.

Most of all, I hate that I know that one day...

...I will be dead and I am afraid of the pain.

I am terrified of the way I will die and not knowing when or how to expect it.

I guess I'm like a lot of people in that way...

Or a lot of people are like me.

I hate that I know...
That you will never be mine...and I will never be yours...and that is something that is hurting the most.