Ever have that feeling... that feeling where you think to yourself... "Their's nothing good about me... I would say the only good thing about me was my childhood... when I didn't remember, or feel a thing.."
You remember the most worst memory, yet you show no emotion towards it, but the pain inside your chest makes you want to go and just do something spontaneous, whether good or bad.Yet the feeling of pain and hurt you've caused those who you love makes you want to completely just disappear. All in all, the whole situation makes you feel like... "If I am not good for much... might as well be good to those who need someone to use emotionally, or mentally..."
Makes no sense, does it? Yea, that's me.... who is me? Well, I could be anyone, their's another dumb answer you could judge on your own. Sometimes I second think if I really want to write down anything I feel at all... and sometimes I just end up sitting in a spot where I could only dwell nothing but hate towards myself. I could gulp down the tears swelling my eyes up and the pain raging in my chest where it just makes me more mad all at once. I could name all of the things that make me build the most hate towards myself, and I could name very little of the things that are slightly positive or good about me. Anyone could say that, though, any girl can come on Mibba, or any writing site and say this kind of shit all the time. So what makes me any different then anybody else? Nothing, really....
I guess what makes me different is how I look and the kind of person I am... but that doesn't count, but like I would say "It's something..." That's a weak answer... but it's the best I've got so far. No one knows a complete full story about me... I never can start a story and then finish it well, I've realized I have come to lose my choice of wording it out in a way that I make it my own. Without lies of course, though my lies have subsided through the years, of my age of growing up and til now, I've kept the same mind set. Although I was always told to talk to someone, I never knew who that someone should be... every someone I've had a word with has had something bad to say. Or, as I always knew, tough love is what they've given me, and at some point I really don't know if it's made me stronger, or not. Tough love for some reason has never gotten me from point A to point B, and I have always thought that, that is not normal.
Again, I have had tons of people I knew, or they knew, me tell me I was wrong about something, through my childhood up until now. I've lost trust in myself to know if they're right or wrong, so I believe they are right and I am always wrong. The success I have achieved through my lifetime, has been nothing compared to the success I have helped those who need it. I have seen and come to believe that, I am no one to those who I help, I make it clear to them that, I am just a random mere person who became someone who was going to help them through their life to become someone better. I've considered myself like a piece of something... I don't know what yet, but a piece of something int their life that they can find useful and later put aside for later. But to know that I am not talented at all, I have no good anything, but that I still have a heart to give, emotion to share, and a mind to throw away..... makes it worth to keep going just a little longer....
L.E.
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