If someone would ask me "What is one of the things in your life you remember the most? That you'll never forget and that still follows you today..." The outside of me would say "My success, my downs in life and how they actually built me up and become the most unique person today, that has taught me to love and be proud of me..." but my answer inside of me would be "All the times I was singled out, bullied, and how everyone saw very very little of me... how I was nothing but a mere ignorant, stupid, ugly unimportant being in their eyes"
My horrible moments was my years of growing up, sadly, I realized after 20 years of my life that people that meant something to me, I meant nothing to them. Therefore, I have kept them around, and without a grudge have wished nothing but good luck in their life. Deep down, I have not forgotten the bad memories and horrible times I have experienced with them, and that memory will stay with me forever, even in the moment that I first see them, that horrible moment comes to my mind and instantly, within a second, I realize and remember why I didn't want them in my life.
My objective, and job was to make those who thought the worst of themselves, have them feel the best in them. Sadly, my job didn't involve me in it... because the inside of me did not like me, the inside of me did not approve of me. The inside of me would tell me, that no matter who my eyes set upon on, they were always and forever will be better then me, no matter who, or how low they thought of themselves. Psychologically speaking, my conscious would not allow me to love me, although I do have complete control on my conscious..... my conscious is the only thing that can bring me down and it is the FIRST thing that can bring me down.
Besides those who trained my conscious to abuse me emotionally and mentally (if at all that makes any sense) I have listened to those who have brought me down, one individually different. In other words... if I would have to be COMPLETELY honest... certain people I know have something I LOVE about them that gives me an idea I would want in myself. Does that make sense? To me, the way it is put in my mind, makes sense, because my horrifying years as a child, I didn't understand why, how and who, until I got to my age today. Has this happened to any of you? Do YOU suffer something similar, or around those lines?
L.E.
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