I'm Not as Strong as People Think

So this thought in my head has got me really down tonight. I hate it when this happens, especially when I’ve been doing so good and been so happy with my life lately. Its about my dad. My biological father, or “sperm donor”, as my best friend would call him. He’s a low life, dead-beat, woman beater, and child molester. Oh, and lets not forget major dope head…surprised? The thing is, he’s about to be getting out prison soon and I’ve found out that hes already been trying to find his exes, which are the mothers of my brothers and sisters. That honestly scares me to death. One of the things that drove me to tell on him was the thought that maybe he would be locked up for a long time and not be able to hurt any of them. At the time I didn’t even know where my siblings were so I thought, if I can’t physically be there to protect them as my duty of “big sister”, then maybe putting him away would. The sad thing is it took 5 years before they decided he was guilty and locked him up and he is going to possibly be able to get out that next year. Not near as long as I feel he deserves. Its not right and its not fair, but that’s life, right!? Enough of that though… The thing is all these years I’ve tried to be the helper, the protector, the strong one. Because that’s what I like to do. I like to help people, protect the ones I love, and be everyones shoulder to cry on. The truth is I don’t feel as strong as everybody says I am. I’m so scared. I try to forget everything that happened but I can’t because its stuck in my mind forever. And just when I feel like everything is going good in my life something triggers me to think about him and it gets me down all over again. Its so hard to be the strong one when you feel like breaking down yourself. But its okay. I’ll get past this and then I’ll go back to helping everyone else, because I believe that might be actually be my one purpose. Something I might actually be good at in life…

Anyways… sorry for being so dark tonight. I didn’t write this for pity. I just had to get it off my chest. It’s the first step to me getting over this, and it actually helps sometimes. I’m just trying to be the strong one again…