My Bedroom Makes My Dysphoria Worse

I'm clearing out a lot of my stuff and it's kinda sad to see all this money go to waste. I want to get rid of all the make-up and perfume and girly things there are, they're just hurting me more. Everything I see how much girliness has been shoved down my throat over the years, I tear up. I'm wondering if my parents knew all along, and they tried to brainwash me away from it.

My parents are putting on the whole 'yes we know exactly what you're talking about but really we don't so we'll continue to offend you' act. Last night, my mum actually asked me what was going on (first fine since I came out in JUNE) But she doesn't quite get that I am constantly in pain. She doesn't get that this isn't my choice, I'm not choosing to live as a man because I don't want to be a "stereotypical woman". She doesn't realise that showering is becoming a chore for me, looking in the mirror is agony, hearing my own name and incorrect pronouns makes me want to cry. She doesn't realise that this is dysphoria, and not just my choice to rebel against society's image of a woman.

I'm going to the counsellor behind their back. I want help for my anger problems and I want help with this depression. They'll try and stop me from going if they knew. They're trying to brainwash me into believing I am perfectly normal. When I asked about going to the doctor for help, I was told I have to wait until I'm "grown up". I guess that means until I'm 18. I can't wait 3 years. Hell I don't know if I'll survive three years. I'm desperate to get help now. I feel they're only stopping me out of selfishness, cause the only clinic where I can get help is in London and they cba to go to London just so they can lose me.

I'm tired now. Bye.