My Life as a Unicorn Tamer

For years I was constantly plagued by one thing....the seemingly lifelong quest for that mysterious and downright illusive Unicorn. Until one day i found myself in the Forbidden Forest while ducking out of Transfiguration with my friends Boyo and Carla who are both in Hufflepuff but I don't hold it over their heads...often. Then, out of nowhere, while we were getting crunked on Butterbeer and taking our respective destiny's into our own hands by gorging on Bertie Botts Every Flavor Bean...mind you...as i sit here reflecting on the events that have lead to my life being the way it is.....i now shudder at the poignant memory of what that tripe bean tasted like.

I digress...let us get back to the story at hand.

There was a strange rustling sound from nearby bushes. I remember thinking to myself..."we are surely done for now...it has to be a dreaded Whatnot that Dumbledore always warned us about." However, my terror was shortlived....at this point my traitorous friends have left me alone to fend for myself, taking with them the Butterbeer and all but the booger flavored beans (I remember thinking that if I get out of this situation with all my body parts in tact I will contact those Weasley twins for an order of Dungbombs and some U-No-Poo)

Out of those rustling bushes emerged the most glorious of creatures i ever had the privilege to rest my semi hazy eyes upon.

He was magnificent and at that moment i could of died!


He came closer, and i was rooted to the spot, unable to move, unable to tear my gaze away from his sheer amazing awesome-sauceness. He looked at me square in the eye and then...he sneezed...like full on...in my face..and it was like having a ton of glitter blown all over me but i didn't mind...how could i mind? But then, something really strange happened. Time was shifting..the ground was moving beneath my feet. i could barely keep my head from spinning. Was Unicorn sneezes filled with some sort of hallucinogen? Was i going to get high from clearly inhaling this majestic creature's glitter snot?


Before i could cry out or scream, i was being hurled through space and time. Everything was in technicolor and here was this unicorn just moseying along beside me as if this was the most normal thing in the world. At long last we stopped, landing in soft grass that felt like landing on a bazillion kittens because hot damn that grass was soft. I blinked, trying to get rid of this fuzzy feeling in my head and thinking that i had probably passed out from consuming too much Butterbeer and had some sort of weird ass dream but that hope was just like my initial terror...short lived. Standing over me was that same beautiful creature...that glorious unicorn.

I bounced back from my shock rather quickly and decided at that moment that i had found my life's purpose...I would not be doing any NEWTs to become an Auror or a Healer. No. I would become a Unicorn Tamer. Rising from the ground i reached out and touched this beautiful creature...

"What should i name you?" i mused.

"Captain Rainbow Sparkles" said a nasally voice in my head, causing me to jerk away in yet another fit of shock. "Oh pull yourself together!" the voice continued speaking to my mind. "You and i have a special telepathetic bond...we can speak through our minds using ESPN"

I nodded in agreement. "We shall roam this new world together." my eyes were wide with excitement "We shall put on shows and i shall be the most famous unicorn tamer of them all."

For twenty years, Captain Rainbow Sparkles and I roamed this vast new land, exploring each hidden gem that it had to offered while bamboozling the masses with my master unicorn taming skills until one day, we decided that twenty years was enough. We were tired of the taming act and decided to move on to bigger and better things now that we had made billions of dollars.

We will conquer all the other galaxies...none shall be spared.


Farewell mortals...this is the end!