I'm Not Feeling "Physical" Connections...? (Explicit, a Little)

I don't fully know how to start this blog and, I'm also slightly tired so this might be a ramble, I was looking for advice on understanding... I don't know.

I've never felt a physical/emotional connection with someone, especially as a young girl when you had Backstreet Boys, N*SYNC and all the popular boy bands going on back in the nineties. Even today with One Direction, 5 Seconds of Summer and Justin Bieber, Austin Mahone, etc... A good handful of those are too young but as a young girl in the nineties, growing up with an older sister who was into those first few bands I mentioned I never felt any attraction towards them. I never fawned over them, I was mostly a tomboy back then.

I can admit that yes, a guy looks attractive but I don't feel that he's attractive. A lot of the times it's not even just men, it's women too and I've dated women, a few I shall not mention because it may have been slightly illegal but I was mature and didn't quite act my age so they never knew - I never did anything with them. I was a virgin until nineteen years of age. But some of the women I dated purely for their intelligence but the men, not even intelligent at all, actually below average.

Is that making sense? I'm not even attracted to women, I can admit like any other women that another is attractive but I can't feel anything for them. I don't feel sexual arousal or lust after anyone. Even the last boyfriend I had, whom I had a child with, I've been thinking about how our relationship lasted almost a year when we had nothing in common, I had no sex drive (and we still managed to have sex more than my fingers and toes), he looked at other women more than me, he left me out of things he did with his friends (and my friends). We're not together anymore and I do realise it looks like the relationship was based on sex, because it was, not going to lie.

I'm not even that into sex, I don't find it appealing, sexy or even at all fulfilling. It does the complete opposite, I feel disgusting, horrified and used. I'm sorry if this offends anyone what I say next, I don't mean to, but it also makes me feel cheap. I'd rather talk to people, get to know them, cuddle and have tea with you when we wake up and just sit in silence knowing that we don't have to fill it because we talked all night.

I have felt the need to have sex but it disappears within a second after I realise it's there and I'm left confused, like, what just happened, body? Why are you confusing me? Can somebody help this twenty-one year old girl understand what she is inside? Am I a "thing"?