Well, here I sit again, alone in this house, patiently waiting to see if I hear from her again. I'm writing my sorrows away for some odd reason. I guess because it's really the only thing helping right now.
Not only have I been stricken down by the fact that I may have completely lost the girl I love, but on my way home from work, my car acts up on the highway. I call my step dad and he comes, with my mom. My mother and I go to get something from the auto store and she looked as if she had been crying.
I never was one to be able to successfully see my mom upset without making myself upset. So, we're riding down the road and she says "are you going to ask what's wrong". I tell her that I figured she didn't want to talk about it seeing how she hadn't told me yet. She goes on to tell me that at her doctors visit today that they found signs of stomach cancer. There is a mass in her stomach that showed up on ultrasounds and that they have to do a D&C tomorrow morning. They're going to remove it and send it to a pathologist to see if it was cancerous. Sure, someone might look at that as 'well they'll remove it, she'll be okay.'
No.
She doesn't know how long it's been like that. So there is a chance of after the removal, that whatever it is could have been spread. And that's what terrifies me the most.
After being told that, my car gets towed to a family friends garage to be fixed. Not even sure what's wrong with it.
Then I get a call from my step mom, and she tells me that my dad isn't doing good. He hasn't been feeling well. He just got out of the hospital and the medicine he's been put on is affecting him in the sense of him being anti-social and not talkative.
I only talk to my dad once a day now, if I'm lucky.
When my parents got divorced, he called me three times a day and over the years, it's became one a day, most days. I'm working. I don't get to see him as much as I'd like. I feel like that I could lose him anyday and of course, he won't tell me he's doing bad. He has a sick sense of pride, where he doesn't want his daughter to see the tough, macho, loving daddy I grew up with, even though I know he's sick.
I've been through this before. Him being sick, that is. I never looked at it as 'hey, I could lose him today, tomorrow, next week.'. I always saw it as he'd fight it, beat it and live to see another day just like before. He's like a cat with nine lives, except those lives are getting closer to nine. And that's the part that terrifies me.
I work all the time. I haven't seen him properly in like a month. I work Thanksgiving night this year. It got so bad that he said I needed to try harder to make time for him. Which killed me because he means the world to me. Now that his sickness is pretty bad, I can't look at him as the tough, invincible daddy that used to see me everyday.
I know he's weak. Frail. Sick. And sitting here thinking about that makes my heart hurt.
I've never known my mom to have had any sort of serious sickness and when she threw that on me, I had no words. I just kept asking questions and I know it probably got annoying, but I couldn't do anything but that. I didn't know what to say to the fact that my mom might have cancer. I know I may have seemed not phased to her, but on the inside I was screaming because she's my world. We may have fights and disagree. I know there's some things that I've done that you may have not liked but she's my mom. Everyone always says that your mom is either your best friend or like the devil.
So untrue.
She's my best friend and my mother. I'm blessed for that. She accepts me and loves me no matter what. I know we don't talk a lot, and I know you'll never read this, but I just want you to know that you're the best mother anyone could ask for. I love you, with all of my heart and thank you for never giving up on me.
If anything, she felt bad for putting more weight on my shoulders because of what happened last night.
She sat and talked to me about brie and I for about two hours after she broke up with me, even though I know that she doesn't 100% agree with me being gay. But she knows I love that girl and told me that I should never stop chasing after someone I love, even though it may seem like they're gone. Mainly because no one is gone until they are forgotten. Yeah, people say 'gone but never forgotten' but really, someone isn't gone until you have forgotten them because you can't completely erase someone from your mind ever. It'll jump back to that person when you see something that reminds you of them. So have you forgotten them? No.
She encouraged me to continue trying. She saw the hurt in my eyes and no mother ever wants to see that. She wants me happy even if I have to go through hell to get that happiness back.
Then I talk to my dad. He makes me promise him that I try everything in my power to get her back because he knows that one day, that would be his daughter-in-law. He wants to meet her and he wants me to be happy again. He's seen me happy before and I don't think I've ever seen him so over joyed by the fact that I was happy and loved someone that much. I kept wondering why I was asking him. He lost my mother. But then I realized that he managed to love that woman for 20+ years through hell, pain and heartbreak. He fought for her and I know that if she didn't marry again, he'd continue to fight for her.
I told him I was going to ask her to marry me.
He nearly fell out of his chair.
Really, I've never seen him cry until I told him I was going to ask her to marry me.
I opened up to both of my parents last night about this girl that I'm completely, hopelessly in love with.
Both of them urged me to try harder. Even though I have no clue what to do, or say.
I want to tell her so much, but she won't listen to me. And the friend that comforted me last night doesn't seem to give a care that I'm slowly watching myself spiral into the depression I went through last September.
I see the fear in my own eyes. I feel the pain in my heart. I keep asking myself how something so well put together be so torn apart. She's the beauty I want. She's the angel I need.
I find the proof of God in every single word that she speaks.
Every time I look at her, I'm staring at the girl I want to love me when I'm old. I wouldn't hesitate to give me all to her.
She's the strong sense of calm that takes away my pain. I'm just praying to god to grow old with the girl of my dreams.
Her voice fills the empty spaces taking over my broken heart.
She gives me strength to go on. She rescues me from the pain.
I'm just going crazy because her love kept me from going insane.
She stole my heart with one kiss. That very first kiss.. She embraced my soul with her lips.
And for that.. I'm forever grateful.
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