Hi everyone.
The last few weeks or so have been quite terrible, which explains my lack of updates. First of all, I came home from vacationing in Utah on November 11th to find out that one of my dwarf hamsters, Jon, passed away. I have no idea what happened to cause him to pass, which makes the situation much worse. I was and still am absolutely devastated, given that I always made sure he was fed and loved and cared for. His cage was always clean, he always had fresh food and water, etc. It's heartbreaking that these little sweethearts leave us, no matter how amazingly we take care of them. All I can hope is that he went peacefully and painlessly. We gave him a Jewish funeral (dad said the Kadish over him) and we buried him near a tree in my backyard, where the dogs can't get to the grave. I go to visit him whenever I can, and put a stone on his grave (another Jewish funeral custom). I miss my little sweetheart so much, but it makes me happy to know that one day, I'll be able to kiss and hug him again. ♡
If that wasn't enough, another tragedy had befallen our family this week. On Tuesday, my mum and I went to check on my grandma, whom we hadn't heard from in a few days. We knocked on the door and rang the doorbell and nothing. We thought she was sleeping. Mum ended up calling the management office on sight, because we didn't have a key to the apartment, and asked if they could check on grandma. Later that evening, mum received a phone call from an investigator. Apparently, my grandma stopped showing up to her psychologist appointments, which prompted the psychologist to call the cops to go check on her. They broke into her apartment and found her dead in her bed, clutching two photographs. The investigator explained that there was a huge amount of empty prescription narcotics bottles strewn around the apartment. She'd also mixed them all in a jug, dissolved them with something, and swallowed the cocktail.
Tbh, I'm leaving out a lot of other details because a) the details are quite disturbing and b) respect for the dead.
Grandma had always been prone to suicidal tendencies. She'd often leave my mum messages, not answer anything for three days, and then she'd be alright again. This happened so many times in the past and present that my family and I didn't take it seriously anymore. In the past, we'd tried to get her help in various facilities, but the moment the doctor would quit giving her narcotics, she'd refuse to go, or would just refuse to go, period. She had a myriad of mental health issues, which often resorted to the cops being called (again, because of suicide threats) and the whole street being blocked off. I have no idea what prompted her to do this.
I haven't slept or eaten properly in the last few days; not because of grief (grandma and I weren't speaking at the time of her passing), but because I'm drained. I haven't cried or really felt anything in the last few days either. It's exhausting watching my mother cry all the time, blaming herself and feeling guilty. There's nothing really I can do or say, because I don't want to say something wrong. All I can hope for grandma, too, is that she's at peace and in a better place. It's just been a hard week.
I know I posted an update for Fragility last night, but tbh, I'm not sure when the next one will be up. I need to deal with this a little more before I take my hobbies on again.
Please keep my family in your prayers (if you're religious) at this time. And if you're not religious, thanks for the support. I love you all and please stay safe.
P.S. If you're feeling suicidal, I found this list of suicide hotlines around the world. Please seek out help. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel — your way in this weird journey called life isn't over yet. ♡
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