You know what's worse? It feels like he's been gone for forever - I mean, after all this time knowing him, I always forget his face when he leaves the room. Then when he comes back and I see him - It's like seeing him for the first time all over again. I know I'm too old for this shit, but why did this never happen with any of the others...? Is it because he truly is the one, and I'm pushing him to the curb like a piece of trash, and only now am I realizing it when it could be too late?
It's so hard, knowing that I could loose him, all because I'm too self absorbed to see what I'm doing to him. It hurts, because I don't want to be a bitch to him all the time, but I can't help it - I see him and I get defensive, because he's in my head. He's the first person that I've ever...loved. He's it. I can feel it, but I don't think he really does. I mean, I don't really know. I know he loves me, but does he love me? How do I know he's not just putting up with me?
I've always loved him, I know that. But I think he really is the one and that scares the shit out of me because I know I'm not the one for him. He doesn't believe in any of that stuff. He doesn't believe in marriage and all that. It's just not him. I feel like maybe he's holding back from doing what he wants, just to stay, but is that right? Am I just weighing him down with all my sentimental bullshit?
I don't fucking know. Enough of this emo shit.
I swear to sweet fuck when he gets home I'm going to get on my knees and apologize to him for being such a fucking bitch all the time. Then when he laughs and tells me to stop being so emotional I'm going to jump him and make him forget why he ever went away in the first place.
Anyway, I'm sorry for rambling on about this crap, I just don't have anybody else to talk to. I can't talk to him about it because he'll probably think I'm being a paranoid spinster or he'll ignore it - wishing it to go away. IDFK.
Distraction time.
