That Moment.

Have you ever experienced a moment or moments in life when you're going along your way just living your life without a thought.....then.....an invisible force swoops in and rushes through you, nearly taking all your breath away? You feel a heavy weight baring down on you and like a shroud of darkness moves in over you. It's called, dread.

I felt that and still feel it from a few minutes ago when the doctors told my Mamaw that her tumors they found tonight may be cancer.......

For a moment, my heart felt like it stopped and then it felt like it was pounding in my throat and ears. It literally felt like a part of me inside was cracking in two. I hope to God that it isn't cancer and that if it is, they can remove it. She is such a great woman, a far better person than I could ever be. She doesn't deserve this. She's spent her life being a loving, kind Christian woman.

She has never cursed anyone or discriminated against people. She literally has been a constant source of positivity and love in not only my life, but the lives of everyone at her church and her family. I can't even imagine what life would be like without her. I know the day will come someday.....but I'm not ready yet.

There's still more time to be shared, more laughs and good times. I still need more time to make up to her all the wrongs I've ever done and more time to cherish her every minute that I can. I'll never be able to repay her for the unconditional love she's given. I'm in a bad state right now but I'm keeping it together for her.

I'm currently waiting for her in the room they are going to put her in. She's still down in the Emergency area. I will never forget the awful scene of when they put her on the stretcher this morning. She was in her housecoat and slippers. Her feet dangled off the side before she laid down and it was in that moment that I realized it would be a sight I never forgot. Like one of those thoughts and memories that sneak upon you randomly. This all chills me to the bone.

I can't wait to see her. The minutes feel like hours. I hope my mom can find a way to get here from Florida. She's so worried and I'm concerned for her, too. She sounded rough on the phone when I talked to her last about all of this. Our family has always been a family of faith. I hope that the Lord can heal her like he's done in the past. You may not believe in God or miracles and that's okay. Until you've witnessed something like that for yourself, you just don't know.

I'll keep everyone updated as much as I can. Thanks in advance for any kind or comforting words. All I ever want for Christmas again is for her just to be okay and healthy once more.