Meh

Today was a thorough "meh."

Started off decent. It's my last day of regular classes for the semester, and Monday's generally aren't that terrible. My art history professor, of course, tried to pile on some new material, but thankfully she stopped before my will to go on was completely destroyed. For some reason, when I woke up yesterday morning, my back was killing me, and today it's worse.

I dunno what I did, but I've been walkin' around like I have a stick up my arse. I make a fool outta myself enough already, I don't need to be "funny walking" around campus.

Which brings me to the other crappy part of the day. Usually I just assume that whenever someone in my vicinity laughs, they're laughing at me. I know, I know, I'm self-centered and nobody actually pays attention, yadda yadda, but it sure as heck doesn't help my confidence, especially since that kind of reaction was ingrained into my head when I was still in f*ckin' grade school.

So anyways, drawing class started pretty well (I'll get to that in a second), and eventually I just kinda gave up on my final drawing for that class. I mean, I'm done with it, I don't know what else to do with it. I just kinda sat there and listened to a friend of mine and her friend talk about everything under the sun. (Sometimes I kinda tried to speak up and contribute since they made it seem like anybody could jump in, but I dunno if I just didn't talk loud enough or something, 'cause nothing seemed to stick.)

And another tangent about something I've noticed - people cut me off a lot. Happened a lot over the summer when I was in New York (it'll probably happen again this Christmas when I'm up there), it's been happening this semester. I start saying something and then someone talks over me and then the conversation moves to something completely different. Then what really seals the deal is when that person's like, "Oh, you're so quiet, you should speak up more!"

Yeah, sure, uh-huh.

I'm definitely being petty with that, but hey.

Christ, what was I talking about? Oh yeah. So I made an idiot outta myself by trying to jump in, and then I made a reference that nobody got, and then I just kinda walked away and said, "Well, I'm just gonna go, uh, look at everybody's art and stuff," since that's what we do when we need a break. And then one person said, "Yeah, you don't wanna say something embarrassing again," but I don't think it was that blunt/rude. I don't remember exactly what they said, but it was something vaguely like that, something in a joking manner.

And so I walked around the classroom and glanced at everybody else's drawings, which seemed miles ahead of mine, then I walked past these two dudes. One looked at the other and then just started laughing. Naturally I just assumed they were laughing at me. I don't do a good job at not being a dumb*ss.

A few weeks ago I got a new backpack, and I wrote "defend poop punk" on it in white-out because I thought it was funny at the time. I'm regretting that now. I'm sure I look like a huge try-hard/poser/loser/pleb/dipsh*t to all the "cool kids" in the visual arts department. What-the-f*ck-ever. Sometimes I just can't frickin' stand the people I'm surrounded by. But I'm sure they feel the same way about me.

The only time I felt okay in drawing today was when my drawing 1 professor showed up and surprisingly didn't tear my final drawing to bits. I learned so much from drawing 1 in his class and I feel like my style has changed so dramatically throughout drawing 2 since I had to sign up for a different professor, and he actually liked the drawing. He gave me advice on how to improve it, which I did, and he was nice about it. He still scares the sh*t out of me, though.

Might do a drawing-dump journal again soon with my drawing-class crap. I dunno.

I hope you all have great days/afternoons/nights - it's basically Christmas now!