12/3/14

So many things happened last month I'm having trouble processing it all.

Boy: He's no longer taken, which is good and not. He says he doesn't care and seems...happier somehow? More relaxed. We've only had one fight so far which is insane cause we fight all the time. Little disagreements always made big because we couldn't figure out how to deal. We hang out all the time again, which both of us seem okay with. We've sort of...well we aren't dating again but we behave like a couple. It's confusing and amazing at the same time. It makes me happy. Also I got his mothers approval which was weird and awesome too. I really want this to be a thing and for it to work. I'm having a hell of a time not questioning it.

Boy's Ex/my Ex-Friend: Hateful facebook posts are hateful. I have been repeatedly called a whore, a slut, no better than a ragdoll and apparently I look like I belong in a zoo. Which...well lets just say seeing that post was highly well timed and I broke down crying in public. She has every right to hate me, I slept with her boyfriend for the entire relationship. But we were friends and we had promises we made to each other. She told me she forgave both me and Boy and we had stopped doing things with each other. Then she accepted his promise never to talk to me. When she knew he's literally my only friend, we live together, and he's the only one I've ever been honest about my mental state to. She knew exactly how important he is to me. She blew up at us when she found out he didn't want to stop talking to me. I think she thought everything was a competition like there was ever a chance he'd leave her for me before all the fighting started. There wasn't. I didn't even want him to. We were both constantly fixing her up, building her back where she wasn't suicidal. All the time. And after she lied to him about trying to take her life...well we got tired of trying. It's hard to believe someone when it feels like they only want attention. Like when she claimed she was afraid of him. Maybe she was,she knew he would hit me when his schizophrenia got the best of him. Nearly everyone we know knows that because I trusted one of my friends with it and she told everyone. But he only ever lost control with me or about me. He never once showed that to her, maybe the truth of the aftermath but never ever the real thing. Yet she made facebook post after facebook post about being afraid of him, about hating him, about hating me. She made everyone he had been friends with hate him. And then begged for him back. While saying horrible things about me and then bitching about how I didn't talk to her about it. She has us both blocked now, thank god.

Me: God I've been a little crazy as of late. With the stuff that Boy's ex has been doing its kind of been making my severe self hate amplify. Which I probably deserve. I cut again for the first time in oh four years I think? My skin looks pretty bad with all the new scarring. My hairs gone a little crazy now that most of its gone. I'm trying to grow it out again. My nightmares came back- mostly just me being murdered. But Boy has been really good about getting me out of my head so I'm getting better about what I sink into. My family is still pretty insane, I've started talking to my brother again which is amazing. I'm talking to my mom too, we text back and forth and patched everything up. It's so weird it's like everything got really really horrific and I tried to hurt myself irreparably and then everything clicked again. Things got better than they have been in a really long time and I hate to say it but it feels like its because Boy's ex is gone.

I'm happy like properly and it feels really dangerous. I hope it lasts for a while.
December 3rd, 2014 at 08:30pm