My Emotional Abuse and Manipulation

This is long. Brace yourselves.

I met someone on a site called ExperienceProject. He used the site to follow his brother... We started talking in late November of last year, and the conversations built until January, where we officially started to date. He told me he had been saving up to come to the US for a while and that it was like fate that he had met me. He had also just gotten promoted at his job in December of last year, which had made him confident. He came here from England to meet me in April, stayed with me 3 and a half weeks, and it was pretty much perfect. However, he only came here so early in the relationship (3 months in) because he resigned from his job. He told me he clocked out a coworker and they found out and he was embarrassed and felt like everyone was talking about him. He faced being demoted and losing holiday time, or just resigning, which is what he chose. So he came here...He was loving, and he had said he knew he was right about me being his soulmate. I said the same. We knew it was crazy, but it just felt so right, and him coming here confirmed this.

He had only been with one other person, a 6 year relationship that had ended badly for him about a year before. She wanted more life experiences and lived in Amsterdam. His parents divorced when he was 15, which was hard on him, and that's when he met her. He told me she cheated on him, and that was the only time he had ever been truly angry. That being said... He met my whole family when he came here, talked about marriage with me, was so enthusiastic and certain I was his soul mate. Let's see... When he had to leave, which he told me he was getting kicked out of his flat and was moving to his mother's, he was extremely distraught, as much as I was. We both cried together for a long time, and he even missed the shuttle he had rented to get to the airport. He returned home, and then searched for a job for 3 more months... He lost confidence, what little he had, during that time, but got two job offers. One was really good and he could have transferred to the US after a year working there, but it was a long commute into central London, and he would barely have gotten to speak with me, something he wasn't willing to do. The train ticket was expensive, as well. So he chose the other job, thinking it was the right decision. Oh, I must add that at this time, he had stopped staying up late for me. Even though he wasn't working, he was tired at 1am, which was so weird because he used to stay up until 3, 4, sometimes even all night. Okay, when he chose the other job, he regretted it immediately, and it wasn't even the job he thought it was. He just inputted data all day and lost all his 5 years worth of skills at the old job. So he got more depressed, and I was worried about him.

He started the new job in mid-July, and I understood that he'd be tired, but he was falling asleep on me at early times, and it really upset me. It felt like he wasn't trying, and he'd claim to feel really guilty. He said he was a terrible boyfriend. In fact, anything he did wrong, he'd ask if I was going to leave him, acted like I deserved better, etc. And I kept trying to reassure him. The first time something weird happened was around the first week of his new job. I take blame for it because I said something about British people being condescending towards Americans for their accents. And how he acted a bit like a celebrity when he was here. I was just ranting, but still. He said he didn't know if he wanted this anymore, and that his feelings had changed, and he ignored me for 6 hours before finally calling me in a parking lot at a park at 10pm at night... I asked him if he didn't want this anymore, and when he said yes, I cried and he started sobbing and going into hysterics... I had long calmed down, and he was still freaking out on me, sobbing. I finally said that there was no way he didn't love and want to be with me if he was in this much pain, that he was depressed or having a breakdown, and he said I was right and calmed down, too. He tried to make it up for about two weeks...

At the end of July he told me he was going on a training trip for work for three days, and he'd message me at night and call me saying how much he missed me and how bad the wifi was. Told me how he had to pay for it every 15 minutes. Then he came home, and the rest of that week he fell asleep on me all the time or disappeared. He went to a wedding on Friday of that week and sat in his car asking me if there was something wrong with him, and saying how he didn't fit in with his family and refused to dance. Then he disappeared that night at the hotel, too. Told me he had tried to get the wifi to work and that it didn't. After many days of this, I finally got really upset and left messages saying how I felt like he didn't care and that I didn't want to talk. Of course, I was just upset, but he deleted me from Facebook... And ignored me for a day.

Then he came back saying it was wrong of him to do that and he was a horrible person. So much self hate. And then I told him to just talk with me less if he was so tired. That we could just talk for an hour and a half a day or something, and he said he'd do that for me because I deserved it. Well, I thought we were healing, but he still was falling asleep on me... Even on the one year anniversary of my mom's death. He told me he'd be there because he wanted to prove how much he cared about me, but fell asleep at 9:30? That was on a Wednesday, I believe. And then on that Saturday, he messaged me and I had stayed up all night so we could talk in the morning. I was all excited, and I sent him funny pictures and conversations, and he was all loving and told me it would be "Allie Day." Only for him to disappear again... He left me there so upset. He came back the next day saying his uncle had a heart attack and that he was at the hospital and couldn't properly talk. He said he didn't want a relationship anymore. I just didn't understand. But he still came back because it truly felt like he was depressed.

I hadn't changed. I had been as funny and loving as ever, but he wasn't trying anymore. And his mood was low. I just wanted to support him. As the months went on, he'd continue to ignore me randomly, leaving me sobbing and upset, and then 'break up' with me. He started saying hurtful things, how I wasn't his other half, how he didn't want me to come there. Oh, I should mention how he didn't tell me he was in debt until August.... He was like 2,000 pounds in debt. So he couldn't come see me. He used to say how he'd go in debt to come back and see me and didn't care. We had looked at rings together in June/July, and there he was in all this debt and not telling me.

So, it turns out, in September, he confessed to having lied about many things. He told me he was bulimic. And that he had been suffering for two years. He told me he didn't think it was a problem, but when he started talking with me he wanted to stop, that that was how he had lost all that weight. He told me it made him exhausted and that was why he was falling asleep on me, that was why he had complained about 'stomach pains' throughout the relationship and had red eyes all the time, from the pressure... He said he was trying to stop and get better for me. He also told me he didn't tell his family about staying with me in America. That they knew I existed, but they think he just travelled around. And that he lost his job because he accidentally fixed his hours in March for 7 instead of 6pm and was still leaving at 6. He resigned because he was embarrassed. After that, he told me there were no more lies, and that he felt better. He wrote me a page of stuff saying how he loved me and that I deserved the best, and that he didn't want me to come see him before because he didn't want to include me in his web of lies he had created because I was someone of integrity.

About 3 days later, he confessed another lie and then swore that this was the last one... He told me he never lived on his own and that he had lived at his dad's before moving to his mum's. After that, he said he felt better, and the love had grown again. But he was still being cruel, still having oddly every so often, lashing out at me... So I didn't believe him, and I think he knew it. In September he ignored me again, and I had been getting therapy for a month since that. This was the worst because that week he would just stare at me without emotion, telling me I wasn't his other half, that he didn't love me anymore, that he was better off alone. He told me many hurtful things before ignoring me this time, like how he only came to America because he had been planning the trip, how he didn't even want to meet my family but they were just there, and that he bought me that Christmas gift (that he had so excitedly the previous week shown me the box of) because it was 'the least he could do'. It seemed every time I mentioned coming to see him, he would shut down and treat me like this. I just knew he was hiding more stuff from me. So I sent him just two messages. One letting him know I loved him, the other saying that he needed to work on himself and that I'd be here when he was ready to talk. He came back the next day saying he felt he was wrong. That when he said those things he meant them, looking back he felt he'd do it again, but in that moment, he missed me and felt he was making the wrong choice.

And things were alright for a while, but it just got worse again. He was talking to me on a Friday in October, and the call 'died' again. On the laptop. I had sent him an email as a joke when we had been talking. The conversation had been great, he and I were laughing a lot, and talked about our kid's names, he said he was only work part of the day tomorrow and that we'd talk all day, and on Sunday we'd finally settle this whole flight thing so that I could be at peace because "I know this has been stressing you out, Allie." So when the call died, I sent him a message on the phone, through email. He didn't respond. I sent a few more, slightly upset saying how he said he'd go downstairs when the call died and talk to me there. But then I sent positive ones of a picture of the river and wishing him a good day tomorrow... Next day, I woke up and saw he had 'read' the messages and hadn't replied. I got very upset then, because he knew what it was doing to me, and I just figured he must have been intentionally falling asleep on me because there was no way that his phone's wifi magically went out, too. He ignored all of my messages. And on Monday, he removed in a relationship on Facebook. Then on Saturday, at 5am, he messaged me saying he knew I was in a lot of pain and that he didn't want the relationship anymore. That he 'didn't want to go on' and that he didn't have any answers for me because I had done nothing wrong. Yes, 'I' had done nothing wrong... I don't need answers for myself, it was he who had the answers because HE had done something very wrong. It woke me up, either way, and I told him to please talk with me so I could at least have closure. He said he didn't expect me to be awake... and that he was 'driving'. I said how my throat had been bleeding and how he had woken me up after I had struggled all night to sleep, and he said fine. That he'd go park up somewhere. I waited all that morning. I am still waiting. I decided to leave a voice message on his landline then, and also to contact his ex through Facebook to see why he could be treating me so awfully. She said what I had to say worried her, and she also, after asking me what I knew about her, said she had never cheated on him and that it was his insecurities speaking. I think I believe her. She said it wasn't my fault and that he had problems handling his emotions...

The next day he sent me an email saying "Contact my ex, my family, or me again and I will call the cops. What we had is over." I sent him an email back saying I just wanted to know the truth, and he said he had no hidden agendas, that I knew all the lies, all this other crap that wasn't true. I refused to have the conversation over email and said that I wanted to talk. He said the wifi was bad, another lie, and then he asked me who else I had contacted. I waited a day and then said that it was not his business, pretty much, and that I wouldn't have had to seek answers elsewhere if he had just given me the respect and closure I deserved. He said he couldn't talk that night either because he was at his sister's birthday party and rudely said, "would you like to ask her, my family, friends, and coworkers to see if I'm really there?" That was the last thing he ever said to me. He blocked me on Facebook, and it was a good thing I went to my sister's or I would have harmed myself.

I went inactive online for about ten days, for myself. He kept our app up, and had also been on Skype. He got on it one night till late, and then one day he just never got on it again. He had also unblocked me from Facebook. And when I changed my profile picture on our app it to a good picture of me, he removed ours and changed it to a cat... After 4 weeks, I messaged him on it saying I had gotten to a better place and would like to talk. He 'read' it within the hour and never responded. Then, six days later, he deleted the app. All of our pictures, everything I ever was to him, gone. I sent him a text message saying I had just wanted closure so I could move on in peace and know the truth. He read it immediately and blocked me.

I also messaged him on EP, even though he didn't use it anymore, a few days later. He got on there, was on for about 45 minutes, probably reading my stuff, and then blocked me. Basically, I used to use the site to write to him, and he'd read what I had to say, and when he ended things and I took the ten day break, I posted how I wasn't going to use the site anymore. I ended up coming back after that time. And he had gotten on twice to see if I had meant it, and after I didn't get on, I guess he figured I had stopped using it. So it was probably a surprise for him to see all my stories, many loving, some hurt, some angry. And it was very childish for him to block me.
[5:09:17 PM] Allie: This past Friday I saw that he finally read my 6 week old messages on Facebook and even got on EP to see he had been blocked, I'm sure. I unblocked him yesterday because I figured if he wanted to know so badly he'd just make another account, and maybe he has a secret one for all I know... Anyway, I joined a chatroom that was advertised on this site... and guess who joined? His brother. And through his brother's stories I found that he really went to Spain when he claimed to have gone on that training trip in July... His brother said he didn't act odd or anything, but that he was randomly like "let's go to Spain." He said he was with him the entire time except once when he went for a walk for an hour... I don't know what really happened, and I don't know why he didn't tell me THAT out of all the other lies... Why was that lie more difficult to express than the others beats me. Also, he never actually told his family about me. And when he said he was going to America, everyone was surprised and figured it had to have been because of a girl. So, I think he lied about planning that trip to America... I think he said it to impress me and that was why he went into debt. Because he never had the money saved up in the first place.

And then his brother told me a few days ago that his mum said he's been talking to someone else. That he goes upstairs early and talks on the phone, that his phone goes off with messages throughout the day, and that he has a picture of a cat as his background that's not theirs, but that part doesn't mean anything, as he changed all his profile pictures to random cats I had never seen before when he ended things, and some before that. It's made me feel replaceable and used. Apparently, he started doing this two weeks ago, but his brother is limited in what he knows because he still lives at his dad's.

It hurts me very greatly because I don't even know if he was talking to someone else all along or if he is using some new person as a distraction so he doesn't face his problems. He clearly has a lot of problems... And he kept saying he'd be better off alone than with me, yet he's not alone. He told me he'd never find someone else, that what we had was on a soul level, that his care for me was eternal. Yet here I am, replaceable. I'm tired of thinking about the unknown. I just want the truth so that I can know exactly what happened and then move on. I'm only obsessing and ruminating because I am in the dark about so many things. I do know, based off his game activity that he has been going to sleep as early as 9 and as late as 11. The first week after he ignored me he was on the game until 12, 1, and even 2, which made me think he was lying about falling asleep on me, but since everything's died down, it seems he actually is going to sleep around the times he was falling asleep on me, which I guess makes me feel a little less bad. And I guess I should feel better that he read the Facebook messages and got on here on Friday, so whatever he's doing isn't successfully distracting him entirely. I just feel like I wasn't worth it to him.

*And today, I downloaded whatsapp for a friend, and since he was a contact in my phone address, I saw he had an account. His status said "Dead," and he had a weird lion stuffed animal avatar... It said he changed his status to "Dead" 60 days and 4 hours ago. Guess what? That is 11pm his time. Not a big deal, right? October 13th was that day, and I looked at when we spoke on that day. He had 'fallen asleep' on me at 9:35. So he was talking to someone, since it's an instant messenger, at 11pm, long after he had supposedly fallen asleep on me. And he never said goodnight on the days the 'wifi died.' Which happened to be about 4-5 times a week towards the last 2 months of the relationship. It just disgusts me how he has lied to me over and over again when I had so much to offer.