I Normally Delete My Blog Posts.

Dear boy who is back in my world,
Over the next few weeks until you are back home, until I can put my arms around you, until I know all is lost and you officially have my heart again I'm going to deny it. Deny this feeling swarming my chest, this thrum at the thought of you. I'm going to pretend it's not real. That a text from you is like a shot of vodka, it burns too hot and warms every bit of me. That I didn't dream of your lips last night. That The last three years since you destroyed me have faded away. That every time you talk about what she did to you, about how she hurt you sparks rage inside me. And I know... I know she had to be hurting too. I know... Its karma, at least that's what you, for what you did. But what she did was worse. A million times worse. I keep thinking if I was there... If I knew her... I'd stand up for you. I'd scream at her. You don't deserve this. Even after what you did to me. We were stupid kids... How dare she hurt you like this.

I'll pretend that I don't want to say I miss you a million times. I want to make up words just to tell you how much I've missed you and how much better it feels with you here again.

But this... This is dangerous, us flirting. I'm falling fast. With every sweet word typed out or whispered in a sleepy voice... it's been three days since you've been back. one day for every year I though you hated me. But I'm in love with you. Our friends, the ones who know us, both of us, they want us together. They know what we do to each other. You make me make sense. But I know we probably won't ever be together again. I know, logically. But my heart commands me when it comes to you. It screams out for you. I never thought I'd feel this way again, probably for the best. I'm feeling it now, this hole of longing snuggled into my heart. The heart wrapped in caution tape. It's a crime scene in there. Not just because of you.

I want to tell you everything that's broken me since you left so you know that me wanting to die isn't just because of you. But I can't sit still long enough to tell all those stories. I want to tell you when I call you baby I want you to call me yours. To say you loved me. I want you to say how much you missed me. I want to spend every night listening to you tell me stories, making me laugh. I want you. But I can't have you. As much as it feels like nothing has changed everything has. I keep trying to tell you. But it feels like I'm a freshmen again, that I'm happy again. You say you haven't been this happy since we broke up. You're killing me. And now I'm crying over you again, something I thought I was done with. I missed your voice. You say you missed my laugh. And that you can't help but give in when I use that begging voice. You can tell when I'm blushing just by my voice. You know me better than anyone. But I still feel like there are things I can't tell you. Like everything here. I missed you. I keep saying it. and it's still not enough to show how much I did. You're my best friend. No one ever understood me like you. No one probably ever will.

If I believed in soul mates I'd swear you were mine... That something higher than us wanted us to be. I don't believe anymore though...

I guess why I'm writing this is to beg you not to hurt me. Beg you to be careful with my heart....

yours now and forever,
T