Dear Diary, Merry Christmas

Since I feel the need to to to everything about my life more less let's recap from bad to good I suppose, December 23 I...cut again my dad was mad and for no real reason I guess I freaked I always jade panic attacks when he yells or flash backs or both, I'm sure to can't read my mind even if you could I'm pretty sure you couldn't through electronics so the flash backs (no-one reads this anyways so it's still pretty much a secret but it feels nice for it to be out there) are usually of my A. Molestation (more on that in a minute) B. When my dad hit me (he doesn't anymore it's just verbally abusive but sometimes I can remember everything about a time he started me as though he'd done so again the heat of the pain fresh to my otherwise untouched skin) sorry not able to be sorry (I was 5 he was 7 the first time I didn't tell he used that against me the second through however many more I was 9 he was 12 I think he threatened me, me being 9...I was stupid and now It's much to late to talk about maybe it isn't but I hate thinking about it I can't to be honest because it's as though
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1EA8g4-vEAQ
Is my life I am amongst the sleepwalking the ones who believe believe we are dead we are gone never to be seen again we have truly died a thousand times but just because we're broken imperfect we are all made the same two quotes from two of my favorite guys who've both saved my life and brought me out of my trance that is depression I honestly owe them my life and they don't even know who I am (reminds me of my poem the gateway poem you could say) I love those boys all of them not just Austin not Just Oli (I don't think anyone actually calls him Oliver) but everyone one from the Matts to the ginger princess I love those dudes and not in a "OH MY GOOD YOU'RE SO HOT. MARRY ME" way more like "Its not my fault that we were obviously separated at birth" (I'm actual refuring (you know what I mean) to Danisnotonfire) I honestly would be here without them because I've had thoughts of suicide since I was roughly 16 frightening I know but also...true I found bands just before I was about to make a third attempt on my own life two months after my dad says some pretty fucked up shit but luckily for me thankfully" therapy by All Time Low"
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=lTNmec6sOPc
Came on before I swallowed the pills this time what I'm trying to say is thank you for saving me I know this is really fucked up but it's my gift to my saviours my lifelines my heroes my go guys so thank you Ronnie Radke, Falling in Reverse, Sleeping with Sirens, Pierce the Veil, Of Mice & Men, Bring me the Horizon, My Chemical Romance, Frank Iero, Gerard Way, and even though I'm not an S.S. fan(yet If morgs has anything to say about it) Mitch Lurker, and Escape the Fate(Ronnie Radke because though unintentional that is just what I end up on) I love you guys an you will probably never know my name

I Also cut on the 24 but not today even though I already threw my grandpa's presents because I'M EIGHTEEN NOT EIGHT merry Christmas and happy new year