I Have Something to Share

What is the project you've dedicated most time?

Writing.

And even that is a lie.

Let me take a moment to remember what it is to share. Let me remember the button down pattern on my skin; how to strip everything off and lay it on the counter exactly how it is. Let me take a moment to remember how it felt to skinny dip with strangers and not knowing their faces.

Let me remember.

Because once, I was telling the truth.

I have been writing for six years now. And the only reason I use the present perfect continuous tense is because I have a notebook that collects the drops of what was once a creative torrent. My grammar is no better than when I graduated high school, and I still convince myself it can be subjected to change.

I used to be able to write confessions after confessions; let my whole fall into the arms of those that needed to be held most. And now I cower. I am reaching peak anxiety now. I am terrified.

My mother always told me to never over-share. She would ask me, what did you say? Obedience was never my forte, but with her, I recited word by word, every facial micro expression, every small non-verbal gesture. I would reenact the message, the delivery and the reception. And she would listen, silently, judging if what I said was too much, too little, or just enough. It was an obsession of 'should you have done that.'

"Why did you say that? You shouldn't have said that."

My mother is a private person. She doesn't like going out. She likes gardening. She prefers to stay at home. She does not believe in being open and sharing her emotions.

Sometimes I feel that she instilled in me this irrational fear. This stupid fucking "why did you say that? was that necessary? what will they think?" After every conversation, I am a three chord song on repeat.

The only thing I crave most in this life is connection. Deep, real, I understand you connection. This fear of "what was said and how was it said" game sickens me. I want to be an artist. I want to share. I want to be free.

Free. free. free. That is all I want.

So why am I caging myself?
January 2nd, 2015 at 12:33am