Semi-Subconsciously Intentionally Rationalizing

I'm starting to have a problem I think. Issues with my weight, really, and recently (and by recently I mean the last few months) I have been having issues with my eating patterns. I would like to sit here and list off the reasons I have for not eating like I should be, but I'm starting to realize that I have known my problem for awhile and have just subconsciously been rationalizing my behavior intentionally so I didn't have to deal with the reality.

I'll start off by saying that I'm not fat or pudgy or anything like that - not that it's a bad thing. However, I am pretty underweight. I was about 115 lbs when a boy my height and weight (about 5' 9") should be anywhere from about 130 - 160 lbs. I admit that a lot of this is actually do to my hyperactive metabolism. It's really hard to put weight on.

But recently I realized I don't want to put any weight on.

I know to some of you it may seem I'm bragging, but I step on the scale and 115 makes me feel sick. I'm losing weight and am nearer to 111 now and that makes me happier but still, I look at it and I feel like those numbers stand at the peaks of mountains - it's too high.

And so I've been subconsciously intentionally skipping meals. Part of it is due to my schedule. I have school and then I work a lot. But even on break I've been doing it. I'll sleep most of my afternoon away until about 1 or 2 o'clock because I'll have to work at 3 or something. I work late some nights so that's how I rationalize sleeping in that late and even if I wake up, I'll stay in my room and just rationalize that by not getting enough alone time. Then I'll go to work. And I work at a small town movie theater, and we're pretty chill and laid back. We can leave after shows begin and go get some food if we want, but I rarely do anymore. I rationalize this as being professional. I should be at work when I'm at work. Then I get home and if it's around 8 o'clock (which is kind of rare), I'll eat something in front of my parents. But if I get home super late like midnight or later (which is my usual shift), I won't eat. Or if I do, it'll be like 4 cookies and a pepsi. Of course I'll have an occasional meal outside of this pattern, but not often.

I know that I'm not overweight. I know that my body is decent as it is, and I used to kind of like it... Why am I doing this to myself?