Day 1. 1/1/2015

Dear Enigma,

I know I can never have you but a girl can dream, right? In all honesty I never want you to know about my feelings. I think you might have caught on by now but I can't be sure. I know I deny it a lot and avoid it too. Sometimes when I do you give me this look. I don't know what that look means I just know it's the look you give me when I feel like I'm denying my feelings too much. Ya know what they say,right? "The lady doth protest too much, methinks". In this case it's true. One thing I know to be true is that I've liked you, on and off, for about a year and half. I don't want you to know. I really don't. Not because I think you'll treat me any different after the inevitable rejection, but because I fear I will treat you differently. It wouldn't be because you didn't want me. that I'm used to. It would be because your disinterest would be a solid fact rather than a speculation and I feel like that would hurt more. I don't think I can let go of that tiny glimmer of hope I have that you may like me too. I know it's silly but I can't help it. When I think about the flat out rejection and the "we're still friends" talk I feel tears behind my eyes. I think I'd sob if we ever had that conversation in real life and not just in my head. I don't want to risk what we have now. Although it hurts sometimes, I'd rather have a little piece of you instead of nothing at all, ya'know? I'm not really sure why I'm writing this, knowing you'll never see it. I think it just gives me closure to know this is out there where, although you will never read it, someone might possibly read it and maybe even relate to my plight. Yes, I said plight. I do believe it is a rather unfortunate situation, don't you?

Sincerely,

Kaitlaan