Day 2. 1/2/2015

Dear Enigma,

I knew that you would be the hypothetical recipient of a good portion of these digital unsent letters from before I even started writing. Want to know why? It's because you're the cause of so many of my unanswered questions. You are the source of much of my inner turmoil. You make me feel like Gollum. It's a back and forth, "we loves Enigma, we loves him so much. We hates Enigma, we hates him so much." it never really ends. I hate and love the feeling. I love it because it means that I'm not head over heels for you (<-- stupid expression by the way, but you get the point.) and I hate it because it makes me feel weird whenever I think about it. It's been said that there's a fine line between love and hate and I feel like I'm playing jump rope with said line. I hate feeling like I like you because I don't like knowing where I stand. At least when I "hate" you I know where I am. And no I don't really hate you as you can tell by the quote marks. When I say hate I mean that I get super annoyed with you therefore blocking out any thought of liking you. It's complicated, shut up *pout*. I hate and love so much about you. I hate and love the way you are so similar to me sometimes and how you get me so well. I hate that we're similar in so many ways that I see yet I can't ever figure you out. I hate that so much. I know I hate that. That hate is not a jump rope love hate thing. It annoys the fuck out of me when you always know what to say around me and leave me fumbling for words like an idiot. I mean I like that you can challenge my thought process and trip me up mentally. I can't get enough of that. It's part of what draws me to you. It's the not being able to find the right words around you that pisses me off. I think that's mainly because not many people speak the way you do. Not many people utilize the vast vocabulary at their disposal like you do so frequently when you speak. You're ability to articulate never ceases to astonish and baffle me. Actually no, it's not your words that confuse me. I think it's just you. You always seem to give me a glimpse of whats going on in that extraordinary mind of yours then cut me off. You seem to just shut the door. Or is that me? Do I say something to make you shut down? Or do you show me everything and I just don't comprehend what's right in front of my eyes? Am I just doomed to always always always over think almost everything that has to do with you? *sigh* See what I mean? Back and forth, it's always back and forth. You're driving me crazy. The real sad part is that I'm 90% sure you don't even realize what you do you me by just being you. Just going around doing things the way you do them. I swear, if I ever find out you know even a little bit of what you were doing and then did it on purpose, I will end you. As my inner war wages on between loving and hating you I shall bid you fair well before more ranting can occur.

Forever conflicted

Kaitlaan