It's Been a Long Time Coming. [Coming Out? Family Issues.]

Hello again, Mibba. Happy 2015, I hope it's been better than 2014 so far.

Onto the whole point for this journal, uh, I've done some soul searching and read a lot and like, ever since I hit puberty I didn't want what was coming and to this day I still don't and I'm 20 years old. And, I'd heard a lot about people who were transgender and whatnot but their rejection of what they were born as was always more, uh, aggressive, and since I was never like that it never occurred to me that this sort of thing could be me. Not to mention in sophomore year of high school I was absolutely convinced I was a boy. Which is funny, now that I think about it, I'm a sophomore in college now and I'm actually sure I'm a boy now.

It's an outside thing but it feels right, y'know? In class I've had everyone call me Ryan and it's wonderful like, yeah, that's me. I've also got it in mind to learn how to properly contour makeup and I've got some other stuff on the way and it's great.

There was also the whole sexuality debate and after a while it kind of hit me that even the guy I actually loved couldn't do it right. Sex just isn't for me and I'm totally cool with that. Though with the fact that I've been in love in place, and the massive crush I had on this girl all of last year I kind of figured I'd needed a name for it all. Again after some research I came upon asexuality and romantic orientations. Panromantic asexual. It's great, again.

I like knowing what's going on, it's only a pity that I can't exactly tell anyone. I'd have to leave town.

The family thing, though, wow. Um, the oldest of my two brothers is a grade A piece of trash. He's manipulative, abusive, and he's irresponsible as anything. As of like two days ago, he made it so my mom lost her job and I don't make enough to support her and I, despite working full time. And there's no way I can get another job considering I do both work and school full time.

And he's still asking for help from us, and my mom wants me to help. I've straight up told her no, because I am beyond fuming. I've told my mom I'm prepared to let him rot because he doesn't deserve my help.

He and I are gonna tell each other off one day. Soon probably, which is fine because the only real insults he has on me are your generic insults. To which I'll gladly accept because yeah sure I am all those things, what of it? What then? I haven't insinuated anything because I know my mom doesn't want her kids fighting. I've got a lot of pent up rage.

I'd totally forgotten about Mibba journals, considering my twitter's compromised so I can't exactly post ridiculous tweets like I'M GAY without fear of being found out, so I'm glad I found these again.

Cheers, everyone. I hope your weekend is great.