So today I had an exam about finance and I thought it went OK.... I said before that it wouldn't be easy because of everything that's happened to me in the past month, things have been worse than ever and trying to focus on an exam is pretty hard.... But I think I will be okay.
Wednesdays exam will be harder and I think I will need some luck on that one, I will revise every day up to make sure I don't rely on luck!!
I have work tomorrow, so I will revise tomorrow at work, Monday and Tuesday...
Then I have the exam on Wednesday and have some plans for the evening already which I'm really looking forward to. Thursday I have work, and Friday I have work as well.
After work finishes on Friday at 5 pm I have to straight to my friends house, I say house, its more like a mansion, its absolutely ridiculous.
My friend Ella is hosting an after exam hot tub party and everyone in the class is going and staying over, only about 8 people, most of which are the guys, I'm really excited!! It should be such a laugh and it will be good to have a few drinks with everyone to get my mind off Amy.
Then I have to leave at 4.30 am on Saturday to catch a 6.40 am flight to Manchester and then Manchester to Amsterdam where I'm meeting Jamie, then we fly back on the Wednesday before a day of rest on Thursday and back to work on Friday.
Its going to be a VERY BUSY couple of weeks, but this is why my friends are the best friends in the world, it doesn't take a genius to see how badly this break up has affected me, its killing me, almost literally, its the worst I've ever felt, they've seen how bad this break up has affected me and they've sorted all this out, going to Amsterdam with Jamie will be such a good experience and it will really help me get better.
I still miss her like crazy.... There still isn't a minute where Amy doesn't leave my mind and its starting to get annoying because I know I she wont be thinking about me and I know for 100% she wont be missing me, I don't really understand how she can feel like that about me after we were so close for 9 months, but some things in life are never meant to be understood, I think unless she wants to clear the air with me then this relationship will always be something I will never understand, the break up will always be wrong in my mind. It all goes back to square one, she said she loved me, she saw how sorry I was about how things had changed and I wanted to fix things and stay together, if she truly loved me she would have seen that and she would have at least tried, instead she ran away and kicked me out of her entire life.
Tonight is going to be a very lonely and difficult night, I have work tomorrow on a Sunday for the first time since July which is going to feel weird, and sleep will be almost impossible, I will be lying there knowing that Amy will probably be out with friends or talking to another guy, its a horrible feeling because I will be laying there in bed missing her like crazy, and a few tears might happen tonight for the first time in about a week which has been a record so far.
Boxing day though is a day I will never forget, a whole day at work, 9 am - 7 pm, I had work on my birthday but I knew I wasn't going to go on, my mind had gone, I was close to really having a total mental breakdown, I came home and I just broke, I've never felt anything like it. I look at Mum in the lounge and go upstairs... She followed because she saw it in me. I sat on the bed and Mum came in and hugged me, then the tears came and they dint stop for hours, I mean hours, 2-3 hours, non stop tears. That feeling I felt that day was the worst feeling I had ever felt, I felt so unloved, I felt like the worst human being in the world, I felt useless... And it was that bad that I wasn't far off having some seriously stupid thoughts about life overall.
Boxing day was the worst, because I sat there on my bed knowing that Amy was having a great Christmas with her family and wasn't thinking about me or missing me, and there I was, sat on my bed, crying my eyes out to my Mum, because all I could think about was Amy. I knew damn straight that night I wasn't going to get a happy birthday off her, and that made it all the worse, it was horrible.
Not many guys would go through that and experience that but still want her back, and as time goes on you think my mind might change, but no, it doesn't, I want her back, I want another chance, my previous blogs explained how happy we were, it was heaven, we were both in heaven, a couple of bad weeks came and she just ran away from me.
Why would I give it another chance? Its not rocket science, its just real love, and it never stops hurting.
I really really miss her, and tonight is going to be one of the hardest night since boxing day.
I'm scared because I don't want to cry anymore, but I just cant help it.
Not registered?
Create an account