Bipolar Blogs Episode 1 (Random Ramblings)

Hey. Most of you know me by my poems, or maybe you don't. But that's okay. Last year I was diagnosed as Bipolar 1 after being hospitalized for attempting to commit suicide with a BB gun (yes, I know. I was HAMMERED for the first and last time in my life). I was in an abusive relationship and had no intention of leaving it, because I felt like I couldnt, and felt like I deserved it. So now I am bipolar. Or, now I am diagnosed and on the proper medication. I have always been bipolar, but now I can control it. Kinda.

The meds I take are called Tegratol and Celexa. I also go to therapy, and I'll be honest, I love it. I love being in therapy and talking my problems out to a compleat stranger who just seems to get me. Is that wrong? Is it wrong to want or to love to burden someone like that? I tell myself that they went to school for that kind of thing, and they can handle it. But then I tell myself not to be greedy and want to tell them everything. So sometimes I leave some things out, like the fact that I cut still or that sometimes I skip taking my meds because I just don't want to. But they need to know those things right? So I should tell them.

But I hate to burden them that way. Cause that's what I do see, I burden people. That's what I am. And I try not to be. I try not to ask for help. I try not to ask for rides anywhere if I can help it (my car needs 4 new tires, and tags..). But sometimes you just can't help it. And it's those times that I feel bad because I can't help myself or pay someone back for the help they have given me.

Anyway, now I am in a good and stable relationship, working two jobs, and working on getting my sexy car on the road (which is proving to be a had and long task). I am paying bills and saving money when I can. And every morning, and every night, for the rest of my life, I take my medicine like a good grown up does.

All because my ex wanted to pierce my nose with a thumb tack, and I didn't want to feel it. So he reccomended that I get drunk, then we went to a bar where he got me even more drunk (and he was drunk too), then we got home via a cab, and he threatened to break up with me and turn me out in the street. That's when I picked up his BB gun. And he called the cops.

Moral of the story, don't try to commit suicide drunk, or with a BB gun, or at all. Cause that will not work. And it will effect everybody in your life. My mom never left my bedside when I was in the hospital. My step-dad stayed too. My ex, didn't even come to see me.

Stay alive, because there is always something to be alive for.

So if you are bipolar, and reading this, and thinking of ending your life, please don't, because I love you. Yeah, I don't know you, and I may have never met you at all, but if you can laugh, breathe, and fart, then I love you.

Keep in mind, I am also bisexual and wiccan. So Blessed Be!!
January 12th, 2015 at 04:30pm