Phantom Message // Jealousy in Relationships

First and foremost, I have an alert saying that I have an unread message, but there is clearly no unread message in my inbox. How do I get the alert to go away? It's irksome, is all.

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I posted a blog yesterday about that new Nick Jonas song, "Jealous," the premise of which is basically "I get jealous every time I see you talking to another guy and it's to the point where I get angry and defensive and possessive but it's my right to feel that way because you're beautiful." My main focus with that blog is how concerned I am about the idealization and romanticizing of unhealthy relationships--in this case, possessiveness/jealousy being promoted as a sign of affection.

It spawned a whole debate about jealousy in relationships in the comments, whether or not it's healthy, etc., that I feel like I need to continue on its own blog.

I will start by saying that I do not believe jealousy in a relationship is ever healthy. I have people tell me all the time that "a little bit of jealousy is good for a relationship" or, my favorite, "If you don't get jealous about the idea of your partner with someone else than you must not care that much about them." (To which I usually am tempted to respond with fuck that, you don't get to assume my interest levels in my husband just because god forbid I trust him enough to not feel threatened.)

I disagree entirely with those sentiments. I'm not saying that any relationship in which jealousy happens is an unhealthy or toxic one. However, jealousy is not what makes those relationships healthy; a healthy way of coping with it is. If you get jealous or feel possessive of your partner and your way of dealing with it is to recognize the insecurities from which that jealousy spawns, have a calm discussion with your partner about it, and recognize that they are a person and not a thing that you own, then you are still in a healthy relationship, and that's great. If you keep dealing with jealousy in healthy ways, eventually you probably won't feel so jealous or insecure because that openness will lead to complete trust and that is a beautiful thing.

However, if the way you deal with that jealousy is to get angry, start a fight, act like you own them, think about how they're yours and convince yourself that other people don't have a right to talk to them or find them attractive in some way, that is not healthy. The jealousy is not healthy, the way you're coping with it is not healthy, and it is incredibly unfair to the person you're in a relationship with.

Someone said that in that case I'm saying that some people with trust issues shouldn't be in a relationship. To some extent, maybe that's right. There is such a thing as not being emotionally or mentally ready for a serious relationship, and if you honestly can't control your anger or feel some sense of entitlement over your significant other, you might fall into that category.

I'm just sick of people justifying possessiveness and entitlement over another human being by saying it's a form of affection or it's born out of love. Sure, it might come from a place of genuine affection, but jealousy itself is not a form of showing affection. Everyone deserves to be with someone who trusts them and lets them live their own life. I'm incredibly grateful that I have a husband who doesn't feel threatened about our relationship--even when I talk about other people I find attractive, or someone is flirting with me, or anything. He trusts me and part of that trust is fully believing how much I love him and not feeling the need to question it. Everyone deserves that.

What it comes down to is, a relationship without complete trust can only last for so long and can only go so far. While insecurity and jealousy happens--I know it happened to me a few times early in my relationship with my husband--it should be something a couple can work through and not something that creates possessiveness or entitlement. If jealousy is a frequent or threatening presence, that indicates a lack of trust--which you can get over through communication but not through possessive behavior. And everyone deserves better than to be treated like they belong to someone.

That said, I realize some people find possessiveness "cute" to some extent. I can't tell you not to, though I still firmly believe it indicates a lack of trust. But if that possessiveness ever, EVER turns into controlling, into "you can't do that," into "I don't want you talking to him/her anymore," RUN. THE FUCK. AWAY. You deserve to be able to make your own choices and to be trusted. The idea that some people believe otherwise is terrifying to me.