Over the course of 1 and a half years I managed to gain 80 pounds. Of course if any of my friends asked me about my weight gain I lied. I'd tell them I'd only gained 60 pounds and it was over the course of two years; as if 20 pounds and six extra months made that big of a difference. I was ashamed. I still am ashamed in many ways.
On October 20, 2014 I made the decision to cut the pounds off. This was after all of my clothes no longer fit, including XL t-shirts, the largest pair of jeans I'd ever owned (18), and XL athletic shorts (men size, not women). I was uncomfortable in everything. I refused to buy new clothes because I refused to acknowledge I had a problem. One day, after struggling to walk a few blocks between classes, I took a long and hard look at myself in the mirror and realized I was fat.
Somewhere along the line I'd crossed the overweight line right onto obese, and was only 2% body fat extra away from being classified as morbidly obese. If I'd have gained 5 more pounds I would have been in that statistic... a truth I could not, and still struggle to accept. I acquired ugly pink stretch marks, which seemed to appear overnight. I jiggled in places I shouldn't have jiggled. How did I let this happen?
At first I tried to put the blame solely on my boyfriends shoulders. Sure, he contributed, but at the end of the day he was not responsible for my well being- I was. I'd gotten used to his eating habits and decided to keep up with him. I also was fighting my birth control which gave me strong food cravings. I'd also been battling my undesire to exercise after having been rejected in college sports for swimming.
The truth of the matter was I was depressed. I'd given up on my dream of swimming, moved away from all my friends and family, and had no one to spend time with that shared my common interests. My boyfriend didn't want to work out with me- he still doesn't, but I am responsible for myself and not for him.
It finally took me deciding to do it alone to actually accomplish anything. I moved away from him after choosing to attend college closer to my friends and family. Things got easier because I was in charge of the food kept at my house- which meant all the unhealthy junk disappeared. I worked on walking. I wanted to work on jogging, swimming, and weightlifting right away, but knew I couldn't start where I'd left off two years previous.
Walking and biking to and from classes was the very first step I made. One day, biking home from class, I was hit my a car. The following weeks were difficult. With my ankle seriously injured I couldn't do anything and was forced to take a break from any exercise for nearly a month. I managed not to gain weight and decided to go right back to exercising as soon as I was better. A brace became part of my standard running routine and still is used about fifty percent of the time.
November I threw swimming into the mix. Swim sets were slow and I could only do a mile at a time (which for a competitive swimmer is nothing), but everyday I got a little stronger and a little slimmer. After swimming got easier- despite having to medicate 2 different ear infections- my life began to normalize. I swam 1-2 miles every day, walked 3-4, biked 10, and lifted 30 minutes of weights. I was starting to get more in shape than most of my friends, despite not looking like it.
By December I was worried I'd be unable to make my weight goal which was 215 pounds and a -45 pound drop. Yes, you read correctly. My goal was to loose 45 pounds in 9 weeks. It was insane and there was no way I should have been able to reach it. My depression and determination convinced me starvation was the best way to accomplish this. I probably managed to not eat for about 12 days of this diet. The worst part was no one tried to intervene. My mother, boyfriend, and friends all watched me do this and never tried to seriously stop me.
By December 27, 2014 I weighed 217 pounds, which was 2 pounds away from my goal, and a 43 pound drop. I began lying to people. I told people I was heavier than what I was because I didn't want them to know how fast I'd lost the weight and I didn't want to tell them how. Now I was suffering from symptoms that were almost as bad as my obesity. I had sagging skin- unavoidable apparently if you loose that much weight that quickly. The stretchmarks were, and are still there. As I discovered working out won't make them go away, it wont even help them fade. Only time will get rid of those little buggers.
The upsides to my quick weight loss was apparent though. I now fit into size 15 pants. I also now fit into large t-shirts and the XLs are too big. I had to purchase large athletic shorts because the XLs began to slip off even when tightened. I feel much better.
I've set more unrealistic goals. I intend on being 195 by March 22, 2015, which is only eight short weeks away. After vacation I gained a few pounds and and currently 222 pounds. This goal will be a drop of 27 pounds. Do I intend on doing it in a 'healthy' manner? Absolutely not. I am ashamed to admit that I'm addicted to not eating. Some days when I start the 'starvation' process I can go up to 4 days before I consume anything besides water, and that's only because I'll begin to feel dizzy. Not eating produces the fastest results and whenever it directly influences that number on the scale it's difficult to quit.
I will also be working out and the food I do eat will generally be healthy. I suspect once again everyone will see what I'm doing and not attempt to stop me. I honestly think they'd rather see me get skinny in a potentially harmful way than have me continue to be fat.
I'm considering paying a visit to the school psychologist. The depression has gotten more manageable, but it's still there. I'm hoping my weight loss will help boost my mood.
This week I'm trying something new in the realms of loosing weight. I'm walking around and doing all the tasks I normally do in a twenty pound weighted vest. It's very difficult. I also keep getting all these weird looks as people try to figure out what in the heck I'm wearing. It kinds looks like a bomb. It's very thick and very uncomfortable on my shoulders, but if it helps me progress I could see me incorporating it into my daily routine, or at least use it once weekly.
I have also gotten some other 'toys' I'm excited to play with. I basically asked for only fitness items for Christmas and my family provided. I am preparing to use my new yoga mat and home resistance ropes/workout video to get in shape whenever I'm bored (I don't have cable). I also have a juicer, and a portable in-house grilling slate. All these things are going to be just wonderful.
I don't know what my goal will be after I reach 195. I imagine It'll be a final 30 pounds less. Am I worried about the sagging skin? Yes, so much so that I imagine I will look into using all my savings to have a doctor remove it. Why don't I just slow down to lessen the effect? Because I'm an athlete. I have only two speeds go fast, or don't go at all. I've always been intense. The plan is to compete in open water swimming competitions by the time summer hits.
Two years ago I weighed 180 pounds. I expect to weigh 180 pounds again very soon.
Signing off. 222
Not registered?
Create an account