It's Been 6 Weeks and I Still Miss Her + My Trip to Amsterdam

So Ive been to Amsterdam, Ive made so many friends, I spent the entire time with my closest friend and I come back to Aberdeen and everything is bad again, I instantly feel down and depressed and I instantly miss Amy, I haven’t heard from her at all, shes probably forgotten all about me and I don’t know why I still want her back, I miss her I guess, she was good company.

So yeah, Amsterdam.. ha..
I don’t know where to start..
I had a hot tub party on the Friday night after a day at work and that was brilliant, I got absolutely hammered and shared a lot of secrets with the guys that surprised them all, but I think its important that for me to accept and move on totally I have to kind of open up about things, not everything, but some things…. They were totally gobsmacked when I told them some of the things about how we wouldn’t really talk much and about how some days she would literally text me twice a day, I look back now and think bloody hell, that was bad wasn’t it? I had reason to get upset and angry about that, it takes a second for my own girlfriend to say good morning, just thinking of you, I love you, instead I was lucky to get 2-3 texts a day… I understand she was busy a lot, and I would be amazed if she still is busy because I reckon shes probably seeing another guy by now, but you know, it doesn’t take much to make someone smile and happy… That’s why I made sure I took 3 minutes before bed EVERY NIGHT to text her good night, I love you, im thinking of you… I wanted her to know how much she meant to me ALL the time, she will never mean as much to someone else as she did to me, I can bet you my life on that.

I told the guys that, and about my sexual addiction which drew some raised eyebrows, I told them about my insomnia and about what the break up did to me and is still doing to me…. It’s the worst experience of my life, and I honestly will never understand how if you love someone so much you can do what shes done to me, I don’t understand, the guys in the hot tub didn’t understand, they saw that by even explaining it I wanted to just burst into tears and break down because I get so emotional about it and because I did miss her… Im glad they know though, especially Ella, we get on so well and we have a good understanding of each other, and I think she was amazed when I told her some of the things, she was so upset about it and it wasn’t even her relationship….
I don’t think Ive opened up so much since I was with Amy, because I would tell her absolutely everything, obviously, she was my girlfriend and she had my love and my trust… But I dunno, why did I open up?? Talking about it helps, the reaction that people gave me was one of sympathy and empathy, and I don’t know if I liked that.

It was a great night though, we all got drunk and all had a lot of laughs and I was DJ as always for some reason. We were in her hot tub for hours upon hours, then we got out around 1am and went downstairs at 2am, I fell straight asleep and was up at 4.30am as my Mum picked me up to drop me to the airport for my flight to Amsterdam via Manchester….
It was the HARDEST thing Ive ever done, I was hungover, and I was extremely sleep deprived because of the ongoing insomnia, it was HORRIBLE. I got to Manchester and tried to sleep, but I couldn’t, then on the plane to Holland I managed to get around 30 minutes I think…
I landed in Amsterdam and nearly got lost in the airport, but I managed to find my way out, then I found Jamie and we gave each other a hug…. Just thinking and writing about it makes me smile, its great. We got on the train got into the city and then found our hotel.

I cant write in depth about it because there was so much that went on.
Did I do drugs?? No
Did I have sex with a prostitute? No
They are the two main things you need to know.
I was however drunk almost the entire time, and because I was with Jamie 24/7 for 4/5 days Amy rarely, if ever entered my mind, I was truly back to my normal self and it felt absolutely amazing. I did things that maybe I might regret in a few weeks but life is boring without regrets… It was incredible, it was needed, if I stayed in Aberdeen or even went to Newcastle it wouldn’t have really helped me, I feel getting away to a different country with my closest friend really has helped me a lot, because jeez, I was struggling so much before.

I arrived back on Wednesday, drunk again, and almost fell over when I got out of the car at home but Mum just said watch out its slippery hahaha.
I felt okay, I was mainly tired so nothing really fazed my mind.
Yesterday I saw my friend who I missed while I was away; it was nice to see them again.

But last night and today it feels like everything has gone back to the way it was, Im back in Aberdeen, Im very lonely… Yes I have friends, very good friends, but they aren’t the friends I have back home, they are incredible, and they aren’t Amy….
Last night I was just lying in bed and couldn’t help but think that our relationship was really really really good and we broke up over practically nothing and that it could have easily been fixed, in hindsight, yes, it could have… She just didn’t want to fix it, the reason why I will never know…

So now Im at work and its dead, hence im writing this, she doesn’t leave my mind and as you can imagine that’s pretty frustrating especially because I presume she doesn’t give a sausage about me in any way shape or form.

I think shes off on her dog grooming course soon so I’ll probably send her a good luck letter, I still care about her even though she broke my heart… I ask my friends why I miss her and why I still care, every single one have told me its because I loved her, because it was real love… So I guess that explains it.
She will do well, she will pass her grooming course with such ease because I know its so important to her, I think if shes down in Glasgow she will meet up with some lad she had a thing with on holiday, in fact I kind of expect her to, why wouldn’t she?? I always had the impression she kinda missed him, I don’t know why… But it doesn’t make me feel any better..

Part of me is still expecting her to get back in touch with me? But why would she??
Most of me is telling me Jake, she doesn’t care about you, she never loved you, she broke your heart, she walked away from something that could have been fixed, she said she would stay but she left you, we had the perfect holiday booked but had no motivation to even try and keep us together, she now hates you… But a small part of me is saying Jake, she will talk to you again soon, and its horrible, it is the most horrible feeling in the world because if she messaged me tomorrow night I wouldn’t be surprised, and I don’t know why.
Ella is desperate for me to go out on Saturday and I do know why…. Weve always got on well and she is now single and officially hates her boyfriend after finding out he cheated on her (what a t*at), we talk almost every day now quite a lot helping each other out about our respective relationships and I think if I went out on Saturday something would happen between us…. And to be honest Im not ready for that, a massive part of me still wants Amy back, so I probably wont go out, I don’t know what I will do, it would be nice to see Amy but now Im talking crazy stuff, I don’t know, maybe go for a drive, maybe see Dan, but no, I don’t want to go into town with Ella, especially after everything that happened in Amsterdam.

Im counting down the days until April when I get to go home for one to two weeks, I really honestly cannot wait…
This morning I got some really bad news about my Dad, so yeah, I would be lying if I said Im not praying to God for a slice of good news or luck for the first time in around 10 months…

Lifes not easy, and unless someone incredible or Amy comes back into my life then things could be very very very difficult for me to handle, because Im not the strongest individual in the world especially after going through one of the most horrible break ups from someone that did and still does mean the entire world to me.

xxx