I Don't Know.

I'm not in the mood to write right now, I just want to talk, to whom? I don't know, I don't care. Not anymore.

I should feel bored, I should feel angry, sad, upset.

I have lost two of the closest friends I had because I cannot trust them.
I no longer need such things; friendship, compassion for someone, love.
I was told maybe it is because I don't trust myself, if that were possible I'd be a fool.
I know every thought, movement, and motive I have. It's not that I don't trust myself, but I don't think I don't trust myself..
Trust...
I've never fully felt what that is like. Sort of like empathy and love.
I'd like to feel them.
But I suppose in order for that to happen I'd have to feel something in the first place.
I don't.
I feel nothing, all the time.
If there is anything I harbor but hatred, it is utter indifference.
There is one other thing I suppose, the clawing. The darkness in my mind..The monsters.
It is strong but, there has been nothing in life I couldn't bury easily.
They say bottling things up is unhealthy.
I've been doing it for 6 years and I feel fine.

I was not born a monster, but I was born to be one.
I always felt like I was meant for greatness, I always hoped..but never saw.
Hope is a dead concept to me now.

I'm not even sure what I should be talking about..

I finally graduated, it was very hard for me. I was never good at school because of my overwhelming social anxiety, and touchy anxiety to begin with. But I did it because I deserve it, not because I wanted it.
I deserve a chance. How long can one fight the suffering until they get their chance?
Since I was little I never needed friends..Only myself. Self occupied since I was a baby, since I could crawl and move around..I didn't need family, didn't even like any of them.
Didn't need friends..
Just because I'm breathing doesn't mean that I'm alive.
I know I'm a little messed up in the head..but the one thing that has kept me from being totally and completely gone is the fact that I haven't taken a life by hand. I haven't felt someone bleed, felt their life leave them, felt them struggle less and less against death. Watched the life leave their eyes.

I'm surprised I haven't, I know so much about death by watching it happen all around me, and more.
But I've never claimed a life for my own...for some of my kind it is a quest for dominance, conquest, power, or even to feel alive.
But I need none of these things.

I promised myself I'd use the darkness in me to protect people I care about, but I have no one. No one who is here anyway.
I should feel lonely..But I don't

My girlfriend left me and is planning to tell my daughter I died.

I wouldn't have made a good dad anyway. I am not father material.
It should bother me, it used to.
But the dark in me has dulled everything down to nothing, I have been reduced to ashes.