How to Have Friends When You're a Teen Girl

1. Never tell the truth. About anything, ever.

2. Just smile and do whatever your friends want you to do. Which is nothing and everything at once.

3. Don't be too girly but don't diverge from your role too much either. You've got to be the perfect balance between NOTHING and NOTHING.

4. Don't be friends with girls, they'll be jealous. Don't be friends with boys, they'll wanna fuck you. Only befriend VOIDS.

5. Don't talk, but don't be quiet. Either way you'll seem like you just want attention. Attention that could take away from the attention your friend may want.

6. Don't express negative feelings, especially regarding your self esteem, because then you will be perceived as a dramatic crazy attention seeking bitch.

7. Don't express positive feelings, especially regarding your self esteem, because then you will be perceived as a cocky, arrogant, stuck up cunt.

8. Be pretty, but not prettier than your friends so they won't be jealous of you.

9. Be nice but not TOO nice. That would just be weird.

10. NEVER have anything positive happening in your life. This could make your friends jealous.

11. NEVER have anything negative happening in your life. This could make your friends feel guilty or like they wish they had something to complain about like you.

12. Be boring enough so that your friends won't be jealous or threatened, but interesting enough to entertain them like a pet monkey.