Lost...

I would say I have a pretty good life from the outside looking in.
I'm in a relationship of just over a year and a half, I still have both parents, I get along with my brother still and his wife, my grandparents are still around on one side of the family, I have a few great friends, I'm 21 without a drinking problem, and I'm in college with a part time job tht isn't working with food.
But there are things people don't know about me.
The scars on the back of my left arm, the depression, the family problems, the relationship problems, the anger problems, the need for trust.
I used to cut and have really bad depression when I was younger and just couldn't keep the blade away.
The physical pain was better than the emotional.
I'm starting to feel the depression again about five years later and want tht blade again.
I've been in therapy, but does the depression really go away?
Not at all when you've been mentally and emotionally abused in multiple relationships other than just boyfriend/girlfriend.
My parents and grandparents are great.
My grandpa just had heart surgery in December of 2014.
He's doing amazing.
My parents are still there for me all the time.
My brother and his wife are great to me.
They just need to figure it out tht my parents won't be around for much longer and the baby's getting older.
She's already one and my parents have only seen her once.
In my relationship, my boyfriend has had some major issues with girls in the past.
He has major trust issues.
I can't get him to drop things easy unless I have proof.
Who has proof all the time of where they were and how long it took?
Or who you were with for tht long?
He always attacks me and it makes me so mad and hurts.
I feel like he does it just to make me feel like a piece of shit, when in reality he has had a girl cheat on him for like a year in a two and a half year long relationship.
I just wish he would let it go and trust me.
I know I've lied about small things, so he doesn't trust me, but it gets old after a while.
I have a lot of anger for no reason.
I keep things bottled so they sometimes blow up and it ends bad.
I also feel a lot of people around me are idiots and I just want to do everything myself because I want to do it my way.
I just wish things were different.
I'm tired of being at my parents' house and just randomly breaking into sobs because my boyfriend decided to tear me down once more.
It's hard being with someone who has what seems like worse anger problems than you.
He just gets so mad at things and then takes it out on me because I'm there.
I need to get out of this town for a little while and see something new, it's very much the same almost everyday.
Anyway, tht's my life story right now.
-Maggie Leigh