Struggling

Whoo! Whoo! All aboard the struggle bus!

Okay, so it's a bus not a train, but that's beside the point. The point is that it feels like I have a one way ticket to ride the struggle bus, and it never stops.

Writing takes a lot of confidence, which I'm sorely lacking. I've always been great at it in school, but when it comes to creating my own world I crash and burn. Just thinking about others reading what I write and judging it makes me want to pee my pants. I tell myself it will be okay and I have to put myself out there, but when push comes to shove I always choke. Somewhere in the fear section of my mind the rejection bar is shoved all the way up, and I mean it's in overdrive.

I write and write, but there's always something missing; it's like skiing without the poles. A story without a purpose, a tale without a body, a beginning without an end. It's like one big game of connect the dots, except half the dots are missing. You get the point, right?

After hours of racking my brain I manage to find the other pole, or at least one of a similar size, and my story is complete. Confidently, I smash my mouse on the post button and grin triumphantly. In admiration I read over my new post and awful thoughts start racing through my mind.

Am good enough? Will they hate me? Is it too controversial? Is it controversial enough? Did I spell controversial right?

I'm filled with regret and for the 100th time I rush to delete it before anyone can see it. Hours spent spinning perfection with words wasted in a single moment of insecurity. I get so excited to write and I love doing it, but in the process of psyching myself up I become my own worst enemy. I want so badly to be great at writing, that nothing I write is ever good enough. And I know they say you are your own worst critic, but am I too harsh? I've become self conscious to the point of self destruction.

So now that I've turned a blog into an essay, I guess I'm just wondering if you ever feel this way, and how you get past it. Have you ever wanted something so terribly that you convinced yourself you're not good enough? Does it ever feel like your stories are just missing something, and if so how do you find it?